Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Thrill is Gone

A long time ago in a reality far, far away, I lived in world in which POAS was a thrilling experience and everything about trying for a baby was fun and exciting. I only bought hpts when my period was late and I lived under the impression that, "It'll happen when the time is right" and when I got a negative test, I would still happily think, "It'll happen next month."

I don't remember exactly when it happened but at one point, somewhere along the way, "It'll happen when the time is right," became "The time is right and that saying is bullshit." And "It'll happen next month," became "Will it ever happen to me?"

Today, the thrill is gone. Even the excitement I felt last July about starting medicated cycles and timed intercourse and later IUIs has passed completely. I no longer look forward to filling my prescriptions and follie scans. Now, it all just seems like a chore and although I try to look forward with hope and positivity, I feel more like I am just going to go through the motions, for my next cycle, because if I don't at least try, I'll regret it.

Truthfully, I don't really feel like another IUI is going to do the trick. We've had perfect follicle sizes and excellent sperm counts, along with fantastic lining and it hasn't worked. Even my RE, while willing to do more IUIs, isn't convinced they will work.

Sometimes I allow myself to fantasize about what could be and allow the thrill to creep back in. I daydream that I am a normal fertile person, I just look at the calendar one day and realize that I should have had my period already. Then I will notice that I have a few pregnancy symptoms and I will have to go out and buy a test because I won't have 100 wondfos in my bathroom vanity. I won't worry about whether or not I am using FMU and I'll only test once because a positive is a positive, right? I tell the husband and while we are both shocked and a little overwhelmed (because we weren't even trying), we call everyone we know, right away, without even getting a blood test or waiting until after the first trimester because bad things don't happen to good people like us! I play this fantasy over and over in my mind and allow the happiness of that situation wash over me and for a little while I toy with the idea that maybe that could be us.

For a moment.

Before I remember that I am an infertile. And the thrill is gone again.


  1. Oh, FM, this post breaks my heart. This all sucks so much. There is a fish tank in my clinic's waiting room... I always watch the fish swim round and round. One time, I found myself daydreaming that I was one of the fish. Not a worry in the world, just swimming. Just laid a ton of eggs, with lots of fish babies to spare... so why not eat a few, right? Augh. Stupid fish.

  2. Have spent a few years being dragged down by IF just like you describe it, and I know that is such a downer.


  3. I found you on ICLW. I was just writing about something similar this week -the change from excitement and hope each month to negativity and expecting a negative.
    I like your daydream. It made me feel good :) I can certainly relate to the crash back to reality.
    I never know what to see at the end of a comment. I often have the urge to say 'take care' but then I realise that may seem strange coming from someone you don't know. But I don't know what else to say, -nothing- seems uncaring.
    Oh, who cares :) Take care.

    1. Welcome and thanks for stopping by! LOL, I feel the same. I always feel like my comments lack an ending because I am just not sure what to say!

  4. Stopping by from ICLW... I can relate to the thrill being gone. Like the commenter above me said, it's hard to know what to say in the comments sometimes, but hang in there and know you're not alone.

  5. Ugh. I could have written this. A friend and I were just talking this morning about IVF, about how it's not so much the physical symptoms that suck (though they do), but it's the emotional roller coaster that just never lets up. :(