A long time ago in a reality far, far away, I lived in world in which POAS was a thrilling experience and everything about trying for a baby was fun and exciting. I only bought hpts when my period was late and I lived under the impression that, "It'll happen when the time is right" and when I got a negative test, I would still happily think, "It'll happen next month."
I don't remember exactly when it happened but at one point, somewhere along the way, "It'll happen when the time is right," became "The time is right and that saying is bullshit." And "It'll happen next month," became "Will it ever happen to me?"
Today, the thrill is gone. Even the excitement I felt last July about starting medicated cycles and timed intercourse and later IUIs has passed completely. I no longer look forward to filling my prescriptions and follie scans. Now, it all just seems like a chore and although I try to look forward with hope and positivity, I feel more like I am just going to go through the motions, for my next cycle, because if I don't at least try, I'll regret it.
Truthfully, I don't really feel like another IUI is going to do the trick. We've had perfect follicle sizes and excellent sperm counts, along with fantastic lining and it hasn't worked. Even my RE, while willing to do more IUIs, isn't convinced they will work.
Sometimes I allow myself to fantasize about what could be and allow the thrill to creep back in. I daydream that I am a normal fertile person, I just look at the calendar one day and realize that I should have had my period already. Then I will notice that I have a few pregnancy symptoms and I will have to go out and buy a test because I won't have 100 wondfos in my bathroom vanity. I won't worry about whether or not I am using FMU and I'll only test once because a positive is a positive, right? I tell the husband and while we are both shocked and a little overwhelmed (because we weren't even trying), we call everyone we know, right away, without even getting a blood test or waiting until after the first trimester because bad things don't happen to good people like us! I play this fantasy over and over in my mind and allow the happiness of that situation wash over me and for a little while I toy with the idea that maybe that could be us.
For a moment.
Before I remember that I am an infertile. And the thrill is gone again.