Monday, April 14, 2014
Meh. ***pity party alert***
I've been kinda blah and have been throwing myself a bit of a pity party. I tried to stay busy over the weekend, gardening, cleaning and running errands to keep my mind off the TWW. It worked for most of the weekend, but every time I had a moment alone or down time I started analyzing everything that's going on with my body and the conclusion I came to time and time again is that this IUI didn't work either. I have all of my normal PMS symptoms including cramps and back pain that started last night and none of those pg symptoms I've heard so much about. Month after month the outcome is the same and I am just tired. And quite frankly, I feel like I am becoming a bitter infertile. I will still test Wednesday but I don't have high hopes.
I am also sad for a gal from my FB support groups. At 17 weeks she went into labor and she and her husband lost their little girl. It's devastating and unfair. Why do such wonderful people have to endure such pain? My heart goes out to her and her husband and they are in my prayers.
When I read the news on FB, my DH and I were hanging in our garden with a neighbor and since I started tearing up and he noticed, I told him a friend lost her baby. I never knew that he and his wife struggled to have their children, for crying out loud they have FIVE! But alas, in sharing this news with him, I have discovered another couple who has struggled with loss and IF. They have suffered through seven 1st trimester miscarriages, two 2nd trimester miscarriages, a late term termination due to abnormalities and their twins were in the NICU for three months and one of them almost didn't make it.
IF is unfair. Loss is unfair. Good people like Chickin and Becky don't deserve this pain. Good people like my neighbors who endured so much didn't deserve it either. I can't help but think: to what end? What is the plan here? Sure, in my neighbor's case, they had children that survived and thrived but what was the purpose for them to have to endure all that pain?
You know that saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? I've been trying to abide by that, which is why I have been MIA. I didn't really think anyone would want to hear about it but it helped an awful lot when Chickin sent me a message today to check in on me and it let me know that absence has been noticed. It lifted a lot of the weight off my shoulders to know that someone else cares and it prompted me to write a post today, which I really haven't had the motivation for because I have been so down in the dumps. It reminded me that I do have support and that I still need to give support to others, that even though I am struggling, it's not a good idea to withdraw. I need to try and stay in the light and focus on the good. So while it might be a half-hearted attempt, here are the positives to not being pregnant this time:
-My EDD would have been December 25th. What a terrible birthday! My baby would have to share its b-day with the biggest holiday of the year. Nawt cool.
-My sister and her husband invited us on an all expense paid trip to Reno and we leave Wednesday afternoon. Not being KU means that I can party like a rockstar while we are there. I don't drink but I won't have to worry about second hand smoke in the casino and I can drink energy drinks and stay up late!
-That's all I've got. But it's better than nothing! I'm trying!