Monday, July 28, 2014

Maybe a little crazy...

Well, I might be going a little crazy but that's ok! I've had a light bulb moment!

Mahatma Gandhi said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

He was right. If you want things to change, you have to find your voice and make the change. 

For a long time I have been complaining about the fact that the law in California that mandates the coverage of infertility treatment, specifically excludes the coverage of IVF. It makes me angry and it's unfair. How can a medical procedure not be covered by medical insurance?

I have complained, and complained and COMPLAINED about how ridiculous this is. We do not want to do IVF (it's not exactly a bag of laughs). We are not opting to do IVF rather than have a child naturally. We have no option to be able to conceive except through IVF because I have a medical condition I have whined and moaned and obsessed about the fact that IVF isn't covered by insurance, but have not actually tried to do anything about it How can one person make a difference?

Then I saw a news story on and a light bulb went off. I CAN make a difference. I CAN be heard and I can make sure that others are heard as well.

I have created a petition to change the law that excludes IVF from coverage. You can be the change and sign it and let your voice be heard too! For those of you who are in states that don't mandate the coverage of infertility, you can be the voice of change too and start your own petition at

Here is my petition please feel free to sign it no matter where you are from. Signatures from those within California hold more water with California's representatives but the more signatures there are the more likely will feature the petition on their website. 

You've got to be kidding me!

We can't catch a break! I was finally getting to a point in which I was ok with the fact that we are going to have to put off IVF for a while. I reworked our budget and was able to find $500 to put away this month and decided on Friday to just take the cash out of our account and put it in our safe so we aren't tempted to spend it and then what happens? My horse colicked.

A little horse 101 for those who don't know: Colic is horses is a general term that describes abdominal pain, usually from some problem in their intestines ranging from simple gas to severe twisting of the intestines and can lead to death.

In the past, when one of our horses has been colicky, we walk them for hours to get things moving and don't let them lay down or roll until we can get them to drink lots of water, eat a special feed and get their bowels moving. Occasionally we have had to call the vet. This was one of those occasions. After staying up all night, Saturday night, walking her and trying to get things moving, we had to call the vet Sunday morning because she was in too much pain for us to manage her on our own. I'll save you from the gory details but basically treatment involves a rectal exam and a tube up her nose into her stomach and lots of water and oil. Not pleasant. And guess where all that money I just set aside went? Yup. The vet bill.

Apparently Marabelle has learned from our rescue Mustang, Kenda, that eating rocks is a good idea and her gut is full of them. Since it was so hot here on Saturday, she stopped drinking water, the rocks settled causing her pain and then she was trying to roll around to dislodge them but in reality all that does is get her intestines all tangled up. She is doing better and although we have to give her some new foods and medications, the outlook is good.

This is the responsibility we agreed to take on when we got horses. It's part of being a horse owner but it's just very frustrating for me right now!

Marabelle on the left and Kenda on the right

Thursday, July 24, 2014


Wow! I am so appreciative of all the thoughtful and compassionate responses I received on my last post. You ladies are awesome and knowing that other people have the same frustrations or feel the same way, sometimes, helps me feel so much less alone. Your comforting words really mean a lot to me.

Due to all the awesome comments and my attempt to change my ways of thinking, I am doing better today. I am still sad and frustrated but at least I don't feel like the world is falling in on me!

DH received a phone call from his Uncle today, with whom he doesn't speak that often. His Aunt and Uncle never had children and have never said why (until this phone call) but apparently they dealt with IF and ended up deciding to live child free after all the treatments they tried didn't work. DH said they talked a lot about how stressful it is to be a supportive husband in this situation and while DH didn't go into a lot of details, he gave me a big hug out of no where this afternoon which I think was related to their talk. Since all of our friends have children, DH doesn't have any guy friends who can relate to our situation. The call from his Uncle was a Godsend, it was totally unexpected and thoughtful and really lifted his spirits!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Bad Wife

Infertility makes me selfish and being selfish makes me a bad wife.

This morning, I had a major meltdown. It wasn't actually due to not being able to have a baby (I mean, it always is but it was a different trigger this time). It wasn't due to the fact that we have to hold off on IVF for financial reasons. It wasn't even due to the fact that business is very slow during this time of year and I have to consider laying off some employees seasonally. My meltdown was based around the fact that we pay almost $2000 a month for health insurance that doesn't cover my health. It is so infuriating that it makes me want to scream. Need an abortion? No problem. That ish is covered NO (extra) CHARGE. Want to get pregnant and have a legit medical reason you cannot? Sorry, can't help you. It's enough to make a girl crazy and when I was doing the math in my head this morning, I realized that if we hadn't been paying for this stupid insurance, we could have done IVF three times by now. THREE.

So during my snotty, messy, sob-fest, I actually said the words: "I feel empty and have no more hope. My life basically sucks right now." to DH. I did not consider how that would make him feel. I did not think about the fact that my breakdown and angry rants (that have been going on for weeks) about our lack of coverage, would make him feel. I didn't think about the fact that in staying that my life sucks, it would make him feel crappy because my life is his life too.

I was selfish.

I would like to just blame IF but really? I need to think before I speak.

As DH held my puddle of a former self, he didn't say what he normally says to comfort me. Instead he said, "You are being mean."  And at first I thought, WTAF!?! But then he explained (in soft, sweet tones so not to provoke things being thrown) to me that when I dissolve into a puddle of tears over anything IF related, and say things like; I have no hope or my life sucks, it makes him feel like he isn't good enough. It makes him feel incompetent, like he can't make me happy. I sometimes forget that I am not the only one going through this. Just because I am the only one with a diagnosis doesn't mean that he isn't sad, he just deals with it differently and he never says anything about his life being horrible or empty because of it. He always says that it's ok because he has me. And here I am crying and complaining all the time because... because what?

My life isn't horrible. It doesn't suck. I have a great husband and tons of animals and beautiful property and I get to work from home. There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. I don't have a terminal illness, no one is dying. Things are good enough.

I think that the only way I am going to get through this is to focus on all of the positive things in my life. This girl needs to check herself. I mean, yes, IF is hard. Not being able to do IVF right now is hard. But my life isn't over because of it and it doesn't give me the right to say things that make my wonderful husband feel bad. I've been in this funk before and I'll get through it. I'll get through it without making someone else feel bad because I feel bad.

Monday, July 21, 2014


Well hello there and welcome! I just realized that today is the start of ICLW!

If this is your first time here, here's a little info about me: I am 34 and DH is 37. We have been TTC for 5 1/2 years (this last year with an RE) and are planning on moving to IVF sometime soon. For now we are in fundraiser mode since we live in a state in which there is a mandate against coverage for IVF. So, I am in twiddle my fingers mode!

So, come on in and take a look around! I haven't been posting as much as normal because we are just biding our time on BCPs.


Will it EVER happen?!?! At this point I don't know. We were all set to cycle in August. Even without being able to qualify for the loan due to being self employed, we've had a lot of donations and my parents were willing to help as well. Then some health issues came up and the insurance didn't cover it all. They just got the bill for the difference and need to pay that. I can't complain, they were offering to give us money and right now they aren't able to do it. I am just disappointed. I felt like we were moving towards something. Now I just feel defeated. Again.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Anniversary and The Generosity of Friends

DH and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary yesterday! Go us! We've been together now for 14 years and I am happy to say: We are good. :) It's a nice feeling to have, knowing that you still love one another and still choose each other.

Sadly, I was sick. Food poisoning or something, so we didn't do anything special but DH made me breakfast in bed anyway (french toast) and we had a relaxing day together. Thankfully, I am on the mend today and getting back in the swing of things! :)

No news on the IVF front, I am still biding my time on BCPs but I have big news on the fundraising front! Caroline, from In Due Time very kindly and generously offered to help with our fundraising! She is a Personal Stylist with Stella & Dot and offered to host a trunk party for us and 20% of the proceeds are going towards our fertility treatments! I am overwhelmed by her offer and kindness. And guess what? You are all invited! You don't have to be physically present to attend and you don't have to wait until the 1st, you can start shopping today! Just click the link below. If you aren't a big shopper but know someone who is, share this link: on your blog or facebook page.

Samantha Lane's Trunk Show

Friday, August 1, 2014 | 7:00 PM

Let's Shop & Raise Money For Fertility Treatments!

Hosted by Samantha & Caroline

Friday, July 11, 2014

I am SO not an AW!

I have never been one to run around, talking about myself and updating everyone on my life as if to say: LOOK AT ME! I AM SO IMPORTANT! So I find it increasingly difficult to self promote and get our fundraiser out there.

I keep getting emails from Deposit a Gift saying how important it is to email everyone and Facebook at least once a week to keep our fundraiser at the forefront of everyone's minds and I have been ignoring them until today. Today, I actually spammed everyone in my address book! It took me three hours to write, edit and then get up the courage to send the email, but I did it.

What prompted me to do it was that I reached out to a woman who was able to fundraise her entire first cycle of IVF in four months and asked her how she managed it. She gave me a lot of the same advice that Deposit a Gift was giving me, but she also gave me this little nugget of truth: "People may be annoyed that you emailed them asking for donations, but they won't hold against you forever and even if they don't donate, they will probably pass your email on to other people." It's a simple thought but one I really needed to hear. I was worried people would side eye their computers and talk crap. But so what? They are entitled to their opinions and as long as they don't say anything mean to me, it's allllll good. But if at least one of those people passes it on to someone else, that is one more person who is hearing our story and may consider donating. You just never know.

So, now that I am on a roll, I will ask all of you lovely ladies, would you mind sharing the link to either my public blog: or Donation Site:
Feel free to share it on your own blog or FB if you are out of the closet. If you just want to side eye your computer, that's cool too, I promise I won't take it to heart! If you are doing your own campaign and don't want mine to suck up your resources, I completely understand that too but I am just doing my best to get it out there!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Takin' It Easy

Since things have been so stressful, DH and I decided not to go anywhere or do anything this weekend! I mostly succeeded in the not going anywhere part but had trouble with the not doing anything. Everywhere I looked, there were things that needed to be done; gardening, laundry, dog hair that needed to be swept up. But overall I did pretty good and we watched a bunch of movies and just tried to relax. He has also been very stressed by his parent's divorce and his dad trying to rope us into it, so we just needed some unwind time.

Obviously, since I am on BCPs, I have no IF update, I am going to re-up my efforts at fundraising this week so keep your fingers crossed for me!