Thursday, October 30, 2014

***Canine Pregnancy Warning****

Oooo! I am just so excited! We just got back from the vet, we had Dakota x-rayed so we could find out how many cute, adorable, labs to expect next week and it looks like we are expecting EIGHT!

I am so excited :) Without further ado, her x-ray

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Not IF Related but Super Good News!

****Canine Pregnancy Mentioned****

For years, DH and I have raised, trained and bred Labradors. We breed pups for families with small children and for people who use them as hunting dogs, as our dogs come from good hunting bloodlines. I always encourage every person we interview to get a dog from their local shelter first but since there are circumstances in which that isn't a good idea, we select those applicants to give our babies their forever home. We have, at most, one litter a year and raise the pups in our home as if they were our own. I am excited to share that our chocolate lab, Dakota, is definitely pregnant! She is due some time between November 2nd and 7th. I will be taking her for an x-ray next week to find out how many pups she is having and narrow down the due date a little bit.

I absolutely love breeding and training labs and while some of our litters have been more successful, financially, than others, I am super hopeful that we will have a bit of extra money to move us towards being able to do IVF next summer. I am so excited to be able to look at their cute little puppy faces all the time, I can't wait for these little pups to be born!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Reflections and looking forward

One of the girls on my discussion board asked me some interesting questions this morning that really got me thinking. She was wondering about how I feel about moving on to IVF and how I stay positive about everything so I thought I would share my answer here, as I spent a long time reflecting on all of our cycles, disappointments and feelings about the future, last night.

I would be lying if I said I am forever hopeful. I would like to be, but truthfully, there are days when I dissolve into tears and curse the world. Looking back, I always kinda knew that the IUIs were just a shot at a miracle. I never completely believed they would work, so I always looked at them as a way to see how my body responds and the disappointment was easier to handle. I absolutely believe IVF will work so it is easier to stay positive about it working. The thing I have a hard time with is waiting while we save. I had hoped that we would be able to get a lot of money together quickly but every avenue fell through. Dealing with the disappointment of each failed attempt to get the funds what heartbreaking, but I still tried to remain positive. Now, I just try to focus on the fact that I can't control everything and that IVF will happen eventually. When I start to get really discouraged, I tell myself that I may not happen when I want it to, but it will happen eventually. DH is really good at helping me not focus on the waiting and instead focusing on the end game. I also have a playlist that is full of positive songs about hope that I listen to whenever I am feeling particularly down! 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tonight at 7 pm I will be joining in the International Wave of Light ( and will be lighting a candle for Petey, Rowan, Meagan's angel baby, Connor, Ninja, Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly, my mom's angel babies and my aunt's angel babies. 

Also, I invite you to read the most recent post on my public blog as Meagan tells her infertility story in order to raise awareness, by clicking here.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Ugh. Pain.

***Warning, venty post***

For most of my life, I have had to deal with abdominal, back and leg pain and pressure. It was the reason my mom took me to my first gynecologist appointment at 13 (after she had to take me to the ER for what turned out to be a bursting cyst). It was also the reason I started taking BCPs at age 14. Since coming off BCPs almost six years ago the pain has been uncomfortable but seemed worth it because there was a reason to suffer (TTC) and a light at the end of the tunnel (a baby).

Lately, I have been having a difficult time coping with the pain. Due to our having to wait for what seems like an indefinite amount of time (due to finances) to be able to do IVF, I feel like there is no purpose for this ever constant pain. At the beginning of my cycle I have debilitating cramps, followed by pressure and back pain, followed by intense bend you over O pain, after which the pressure and upper thigh pain comes back for a day or two and then I get a small window of painless days before AF and her evil cramps return.

The pain makes me sad and grumpy. It's an ever constant reminder of what will not be without medical intervention. It reminds me that something that for so many people "just happens" isn't going to "just happen" for us. I am so sick of the pain and sick of IF. No matter how hard I try to wake up with a positive attitude, the awareness of my pain is like a physical expression of my emotional state. IF sucks. This pain sucks.