***Warning, venty post***
For most of my life, I have had to deal with abdominal, back and leg pain and pressure. It was the reason my mom took me to my first gynecologist appointment at 13 (after she had to take me to the ER for what turned out to be a bursting cyst). It was also the reason I started taking BCPs at age 14. Since coming off BCPs almost six years ago the pain has been uncomfortable but seemed worth it because there was a reason to suffer (TTC) and a light at the end of the tunnel (a baby).
Lately, I have been having a difficult time coping with the pain. Due to our having to wait for what seems like an indefinite amount of time (due to finances) to be able to do IVF, I feel like there is no purpose for this ever constant pain. At the beginning of my cycle I have debilitating cramps, followed by pressure and back pain, followed by intense bend you over O pain, after which the pressure and upper thigh pain comes back for a day or two and then I get a small window of painless days before AF and her evil cramps return.
The pain makes me sad and grumpy. It's an ever constant reminder of what will not be without medical intervention. It reminds me that something that for so many people "just happens" isn't going to "just happen" for us. I am so sick of the pain and sick of IF. No matter how hard I try to wake up with a positive attitude, the awareness of my pain is like a physical expression of my emotional state. IF sucks. This pain sucks.