Friday, March 27, 2015

Second Job and IF Brain

Well, I finally got the audio to work for my afternoon orientation meeting and have been working non-stop to prepare for my job assessment on Monday. Basically, I have been spending this whole week learning what my job entails and trying to figure out how to do it properly! I have been doing a ton of sample tasks and created a massive binder, filled with all the information I need to master every part of this new job. On Monday, I get tested on everything and as long as I pass, I will have my second job on lock. If I don't pass, I'll get a second shot but that's it. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I pass on the first try. This job will really speed up our timeline because I'll be able to put all of that income towards IVF.

I'll be talking with my RE on Wednesday to see if he can offer any discounts or has any ideas on how we can decrease the costs of IVF. DH told me last night that I should just tell the RE that we are going to move forward and we'll just pull the money out of our retirement. Part of me wants to just do it but part of me is really nervous about pulling money from our retirement. Plus, I keep thinking, why am I going to work a second job if we are just going to pull money out of retirement? Ugh. We'll figure it out. We always do. I am so looking forward to just being able to do IVF and try for a baby.

The other thing that has been happening is that I have had NO sex drive at all. It's been since we found out that the study was closing early (back at the beginning of March). Sex just reminds me that for us, sex isn't for baby making. I feel bad about it. DH and I have always had a very active sex life and I know that it's frustrating for him to go from sex every day or every other day for 14 years to sex once a week. He is so good though, he hasn't said anything, except for a couple of comments about being able to tell that I am sad, so at least I am not being guilt tripped about my lack of interest in sex! I plan on making an effort this weekend to focus on us, rather than relating sex to babies in my mind. Isn't that funny? Most people worry about sex getting them pregnant, I'm avoiding sex because I know it won't! IF brain just makes everything so complicated. :(

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Study: Closed

Well, I talked to my nurse today and the study is closed. I am disappointed but ready to move on. My nurse talked me into a phone consult with my RE next Wednesday because she said he is really good at figuring out money saving options for IVF. So, we wait until next Wednesday. We've decided that regardless of what happens during that conversation, we will be cycling with NCRM no matter what. Yes, they are further away than my former RE but we really liked this doctor and facility better and it is a tiny bit cheaper than our former RE. Plus, they have higher success rates that I trust more because they are through SART. My former clinic just published their success rates on their webpage but didn't participate in SART reporting.

In the meantime, I started my orientation for my second job today and was immediately faced with the problem of not being able to hear the audio. I bought special headphones just for this occasion and nothing would work! Thankfully, there's another orientation today at 1 pm. Hopefully, I will have the audio situation figured out by then.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Update: Spotting

Houston, we have spotting!

I've never wanted to see a bleed so freaking much in my life. Finally, I am getting closer to AF and will be able to call Monday morning to find out for sure whether or not the study is closed. I fully expect it to be, but I just need to hear it.

I've taken a step towards moving on from the study and decided to apply for a second job. It's kind of crazy because it's not like I don't already have enough on my plate with running my own company and taking care of our ranch and all our animals, but I decided that the only way we are going to get closer to doing IVF at the speed in which I want to get there, is to do this.

It's a work-from-home job, so I can simultaneously run my company while working four hours a day for this new company. It's not an easy job but the hours are very flexible and it will help bring us closer to being able to afford IVF AND I just found out that I not only got the job but was offered a position that is a step up from the one for which I applied! I start training on Monday and I am pretty excited. I had to sign an NDA but I can say that it is for a major internet search engine and I will be doing back end search engine analysis type stuff.

Things are looking up!

ICLW - I'm Back at it!

"Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honored and encouraged." - Stirrup Queens

Today is the start of March, 2015's International Comment Leaving Week or ICLW.

Welcome, if you have never been here before, and welcome back if you are joining us again! I haven't participated since October, because my blog reading and writing died off a bit. We weren't cycling anymore so every post felt like I was regurgitating the same things. Also, I had to lay off my sales manager and take on his duties which took some getting used to!

So, where are we now? Well, we tried to get into an IVF study, but after getting preliminary accepted, we found out they were closing the study early. Truthfully, I was heartbroken; it seemed like that would be our only chance, but as it always goes with IF, I carried on. We are still saving and fund raising to try and save enough money to do our first IVF cycle. We try on our own, every cycle, but with a blocked tube and scar tissue from endo and my laps, we don't get too hopeful. In fact, I don't even prematurely test anymore, which is probably a good thing because it was getting to be an addiction.

So, welcome! Take a look around, check out some posts and leave a comment so I know you were here and can follow your journey as well!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Come on AF

So, my hopes are not high. I am protecting my heart. But a little part of me is praying that AF shows up on time tomorrow and that the study hasn't closed when I call as soon as she gets here. I wish the nurse that called a few weeks ago could have given me a definitive answer because I've kind of been a grumpy bitch since I found out that it is likely the study will be closed before AF's arrival. Poor DH, I've just been kind of slumpy and I know it is hard for him. He hates that he can't fix this for me.

I'm also a little scared to call. I'm scared to have this one shred of hope taken away from me. Half of me just wants to know for sure that it is closed and that this avenue is definitely not available to me. Half of me is bargaining with God and praying that it isn't closed. Can't I just catch one little break? Puh-leeze!?!

Keep everything crossed for me that AF shows up tomorrow. At least then we'll know.

Friday, March 13, 2015

PSA: Then Comes Family

A while back I wrote a draft post about all the drama that happened at The Bump (hereafter and forever known as The Dump or TD) but it was chalk full of expletives and high emotion. I meant to revisit and edit the post but never got around to it (bad me)! I wanted to share with you all what happened (briefly) and let you know where you can find an awesome support network.

So, a quick recap for those who don't know: A little over two months ago I jumped on TD, what I considered to be my biggest support network in addition to IDOB, to chat with my girls and read updates on where everyone is on their journeys. Upon logging on, I realized that our ever wonderful leader, NariaDreaming, had been banned. I was shocked, as was everyone else. A pillar of our community, just gone? Upon doing some sleuthing, I discovered that other beloved mods had been banned as well. I had an idea of where to find Naria so I tracked her down. Basically, (the totally short and incomplete version) TD decided that they didn't appreciate constructive feedback from their mods and banned them and some members without warning. It caused a huge uproar in the community and prompted a mass exodus across the entire forum. A few weeks later, those that stayed behind and straddled both boards to help direct members to our new place and to offer support to Newbies, also let completely when TD had some kind of glitch that changed some screen names to people's IRL names. The place that we all trusted and considered home had betrayed our trust and hurt our own, so we left!

Where did we all go? Well, due to the amazing foresight and awesomeness of Naria, she created a new home for us on ProBoards, originally called GCBC or Goodbye Cruel Bump. Literally thousands of women jumped ship. For people like me, who don't do change, it was an oddly smooth transition because we all moved together.

Now, this community, which is 7500+ strong is becoming permanent and even has plans to build a website with community driven content to offer information, advice and support to everyone. The new name? Then Comes Family. You can find it here: It is a fast growing online community for everyone from people just thinking about starting a family to parents and those living CLNBC and everything in between. There are literally boards for everyone. So if you haven't already, come join us!

Monday, March 9, 2015


It's kind of par for the course when dealing with IF. There are so many ups and downs, so many opportunities for hope and for disappointment. When it comes to participating in the study, I thought I had prepared for every possible disappointment; my blood test results could disqualify me, I could get my period super late, lupron suppression might not work, I could get cancelled for too few follies, I could get cancelled for too many follies... the list went on and on. I was prepared for the possibility of failure. What I hadn't thought of was the chance that I might not ever get to start.

On Friday, I got a phone call from our new clinic. When I looked at the caller ID, I got excited because I figured they were calling me to give me more info to get the ball rolling. I was wrong. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Clinic: Hi! This is Pamela from NCRM, how are you?
Me: Great!
Clinic: I am calling to let you know that we've reached our cap for IVF patients for March.
Me: Oh, ok, well Dr. W told me to call when I got my period at the end of March, is that still ok?
Clinic: Yes! But it looks like you were interested in the IVF study, I just need to let you know that you'll probably have to consider doing IVF in April without the study.
Me: Wait, what? We can't afford to do it without the study!
Clinic: I'm so sorry, it's just that we just received word that they are planning to close the study early. Me: It's not going to close on the 30th? (quiet tears)
Clinic: Well, you can still call after your next period to see but the study will most likely be closed before the 30th.
Me: Oh my gosh. (totally crying and can't get any other words out)
Clinic: I'm so sorry.
Me: Ok (because it was all I could get out)
Clinic: Still call though, ok? Just be prepared that the study is closing early.
Me: Ok, thank you.
Clinic: You're welcome, sorry for the bad news.

And that was it. I felt like someone put a vice grip on my heart and DH just grabbed me and held me while I cried. For a long time. I spent most of the day Friday crying. I just couldn't stop. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was mad at myself for not considering the possibility of the study closing early. I cried because I lost the chance to try.

Saturday morning when I woke up, I thought I felt a little better but the feelings of missing out on the study came flooding back and kinda ruined my day. I was better but not back to normal. I was still grieving. In the evening, DH suggested that we watch Horrible Bosses 2, which was hilarious and lightened both of our moods.

Sunday morning, I decided I needed to get my head back in the game. There is a tiny chance we could get in the study and if we can't, I just need to get back to my pre-study chance frame of mind. This is not the worst thing that could happen to me. So many of my friends have been through so much worse. This is just a bump in the road.

The only thing that keeps lingering is that fact that we have so far to go to save up for treatment. Saving for IVF has been so frustrating. At one point we were up to half of what we needed and then a horse got sick and we had a 1k vet bill, then another horse got sick and then a goat. Having the vet out to the ranch is really expensive and each time they came out, or savings took a hit. Then, we lost our dog, Saphira and then we loaned a small amount to a family member, who will pay us back but still, it's gone for the moment.

For now, I am holding my head up high and moving forward. It's all I can do. I'll keep saving and fund raising and maybe we'll get there someday.