Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Bad Wife

Infertility makes me selfish and being selfish makes me a bad wife.

This morning, I had a major meltdown. It wasn't actually due to not being able to have a baby (I mean, it always is but it was a different trigger this time). It wasn't due to the fact that we have to hold off on IVF for financial reasons. It wasn't even due to the fact that business is very slow during this time of year and I have to consider laying off some employees seasonally. My meltdown was based around the fact that we pay almost $2000 a month for health insurance that doesn't cover my health. It is so infuriating that it makes me want to scream. Need an abortion? No problem. That ish is covered NO (extra) CHARGE. Want to get pregnant and have a legit medical reason you cannot? Sorry, can't help you. It's enough to make a girl crazy and when I was doing the math in my head this morning, I realized that if we hadn't been paying for this stupid insurance, we could have done IVF three times by now. THREE.

So during my snotty, messy, sob-fest, I actually said the words: "I feel empty and have no more hope. My life basically sucks right now." to DH. I did not consider how that would make him feel. I did not think about the fact that my breakdown and angry rants (that have been going on for weeks) about our lack of coverage, would make him feel. I didn't think about the fact that in staying that my life sucks, it would make him feel crappy because my life is his life too.

I was selfish.

I would like to just blame IF but really? I need to think before I speak.

As DH held my puddle of a former self, he didn't say what he normally says to comfort me. Instead he said, "You are being mean."  And at first I thought, WTAF!?! But then he explained (in soft, sweet tones so not to provoke things being thrown) to me that when I dissolve into a puddle of tears over anything IF related, and say things like; I have no hope or my life sucks, it makes him feel like he isn't good enough. It makes him feel incompetent, like he can't make me happy. I sometimes forget that I am not the only one going through this. Just because I am the only one with a diagnosis doesn't mean that he isn't sad, he just deals with it differently and he never says anything about his life being horrible or empty because of it. He always says that it's ok because he has me. And here I am crying and complaining all the time because... because what?

My life isn't horrible. It doesn't suck. I have a great husband and tons of animals and beautiful property and I get to work from home. There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. I don't have a terminal illness, no one is dying. Things are good enough.

I think that the only way I am going to get through this is to focus on all of the positive things in my life. This girl needs to check herself. I mean, yes, IF is hard. Not being able to do IVF right now is hard. But my life isn't over because of it and it doesn't give me the right to say things that make my wonderful husband feel bad. I've been in this funk before and I'll get through it. I'll get through it without making someone else feel bad because I feel bad.


  1. Hugs, girlfriend. It is hard. Add PMS to the mix, and yikes! You aren't the only one throwing tantrums. I'm over here on the east coast losing my damn mind. I respect that you are trying to take control of your life. If you figure it out, please let me know!!

  2. I'm so sorry for your rough day, but you are right - focusing on the positive will help! HUGS for you friend!

  3. I have been there before too. And I remember feeling so ashamed that in my rage and want and grief that I forgot how much my husband is hurting too. It was a bit of an awakening for me. And it's only now that I'm benched and am slightly removed from IF that I'm able to look at all of this in a different way and feel a bit more at peace with my life as it is and appreciate all the good. It's a constant struggle of course but good for you for looking at this through a different lens. I am sending you hugs and am so sorry that your IVF will be delayed due to something so shitty as finances. (((you)))

  4. Sometimes you need to yell and scream, and that's okay. I try my hardest to do it when no one is around, but sometimes my fella hears it. Right now it's about me being mad at the endo, and if we ever get to TTC and to the point where I'm screaming about that, I hope I'm able to focus on the positive. Sometimes it's easy to get so wrapped up in it all and forget about everything and everyone else. Hugs to you!

  5. Stopping by from ICLW...I completely understand the anger over the insurance thing. That's one of the very few things that will make me angry (instead of sad) when it comes to infertility. It's so hard to focus on the positive, but it really is the best thing to try to do. I know that seeing a therapist has really helped me in that it gives me an appropriate person (instead of my husband) to vent to. Hopefully your insurance would cover that!

  6. Hi from ICLW!

    I think it's really easy to forget that you aren't in this alone. I know I had trouble with that when we experienced a miscarriage. I do think going through that was harder for me than for him, but I always had to remind myself that it was still was about "us" more than "me."


  7. Hi from ICLW.
    Ugh, I totally understand your anger over your insurance coverage. $2000/month is a hefty sum and makes it hard to save for the fertility treatments that aren't covered. Meltdowns happen....stress is real. I hope focusing on the positives will help too. Sometimes it is good to balance what is good in life against the difficulties - very easy to only consider the difficulties. I've also been reading a bit about mindfulness and how to recognize thoughts as thoughts rather than reality and maybe not spiral down into sadness or anxiety. I hope you and your hubby work things out - the important part is to keep talking, and it sounds like you were doing that, even when upset. Take care xo

  8. I completely know what you are feeling! I was the same a couple of years ago. I felt angry and frustrated. My DH also dealt with it differently and our marriage was suffering. I needed to vent and needed the support. I ended up joining twitter and found a huge community of women who were going through the same thing. It was a very positive things for me and even though I don't know the women personally (as most are anonymous, like myself), they really helped get me through the darkest times.

    Hang in there. You are not alone and neither is your DH. Just dealing with IF very differently.

    (Happy ICLW!)

  9. I can totally relate to this post. So many times I would use my husband as an emotional punching bag and I would spill my guts about everything that was making me sad (like you - always IF related, but always diferent triggers). It took time and finding different outlets to overcome my tendancies to pour my heart out to him (i.e. tell him my life sucked and leave him feeling helpless). I still struggle with this, but I'm getting better at it.

    Take care of yourself - blogging is a really great way to un-isolate yourself and how you feel about everything. Talking to a counsellor or someone external to your situation may help too. Hang in there. There is absolutely nothing easy about any of this.