This morning, I had a major meltdown. It wasn't actually due to not being able to have a baby (I mean, it always is but it was a different trigger this time). It wasn't due to the fact that we have to hold off on IVF for financial reasons. It wasn't even due to the fact that business is very slow during this time of year and I have to consider laying off some employees seasonally. My meltdown was based around the fact that we pay almost $2000 a month for health insurance that doesn't cover my health. It is so infuriating that it makes me want to scream. Need an abortion? No problem. That ish is covered NO (extra) CHARGE. Want to get pregnant and have a legit medical reason you cannot? Sorry, can't help you. It's enough to make a girl crazy and when I was doing the math in my head this morning, I realized that if we hadn't been paying for this stupid insurance, we could have done IVF three times by now. THREE.
So during my snotty, messy, sob-fest, I actually said the words: "I feel empty and have no more hope. My life basically sucks right now." to DH. I did not consider how that would make him feel. I did not think about the fact that my breakdown and angry rants (that have been going on for weeks) about our lack of coverage, would make him feel. I didn't think about the fact that in staying that my life sucks, it would make him feel crappy because my life is his life too.
I was selfish.
I would like to just blame IF but really? I need to think before I speak.
As DH held my puddle of a former self, he didn't say what he normally says to comfort me. Instead he said, "You are being mean." And at first I thought, WTAF!?! But then he explained (in soft, sweet tones so not to provoke things being thrown) to me that when I dissolve into a puddle of tears over anything IF related, and say things like; I have no hope or my life sucks, it makes him feel like he isn't good enough. It makes him feel incompetent, like he can't make me happy. I sometimes forget that I am not the only one going through this. Just because I am the only one with a diagnosis doesn't mean that he isn't sad, he just deals with it differently and he never says anything about his life being horrible or empty because of it. He always says that it's ok because he has me. And here I am crying and complaining all the time because... because what?
My life isn't horrible. It doesn't suck. I have a great husband and tons of animals and beautiful property and I get to work from home. There is food on the table and a roof over our heads. I don't have a terminal illness, no one is dying. Things are good
I think that the only way I am going to get through this is to focus on all of the positive things in my life. This girl needs to check herself. I mean, yes, IF is hard. Not being able to do IVF right now is hard. But my life isn't over because of it and it doesn't give me the right to say things that make my wonderful husband feel bad. I've been in this funk before and I'll get through it. I'll get through it without making someone else feel bad because I feel bad.