Friday, October 18, 2013

At the Edge of The Rabbit Hole

POAS update: 10dpo. The line is much lighter today, almost non-existent. On the plus side that means my trigger is pretty much gone, so a good positive after today would be a real BFP.

When you really, really want something you'd be willing to do almost anything to get it, right? As long as that "anything" doesn't require you going against your morals or nature or God, correct? Well, that is where I am struggling. At this point I don't feel we can get KU with just TI and meds. There's obviously something stopping my DH's perfectly good swimmers from meeting up with what look like, via TV u/s, perfectly good and mature eggies (perfected with meds and O'd due to a trigger). My RE recommended that we just go for an IUI right off the bat, which I didn't want to do. I wanted to make a baby with my husband, not make a baby using my husband. The more I have thought about it, the more I have strayed from my original stance. I mean, we're still using his sperm. It's still coming from him. We would just be using a doctor's help to get it where it needs to be. Right? And what is wrong with that? (Or maybe the fact that I keep having to reassure myself that there is nothing wrong with that is exactly what is wrong with that.)

I was never adamantly opposed to AI or an IUI, I just wanted to have a baby my way. I was raised Catholic and I know the Church's stance on AI and IVF. I don't feel like it is going against my morals or nature or God to have some assistance, regardless of what the Church says, it's just putting everything all in the right place at the right time and letting nature do the rest. But I wonder sometimes, about what I am putting myself through and what I would be willing to put myself through if the IUI doesn't work. I feel like I am on the brink of the rabbit hole. Can I just go down it a little bit? By accepting and embracing the IUI am I opening the door to IVF? Will my "Catholic guilt" even allow me to?

I have always said IVF was out of the question. To be honest, I have always said that it is because of the cost. In truth, it isn't just the expense, because I know myself well enough to know that if I decided to do something that expensive, I would find a way to pay for it; it's the whole "playing God" thing. Now, as we have been TTC for so long and these two medicated cycles haven't worked, I find myself thinking more and more about IVF. Is IVF like an IUI? Just putting everything together in the right place at the right time? Or is it more? I've heard that playing God is when you interfere with the natural process of things. Does that make fertilizing eggies in a Petri dish playing God? Is that interfering really with the natural process of things? Or, am I straying from my original thought process because I just want it that bad? Am I just willing to disregard my original thought process because of selfishness? Or is it just because I've learned so much more and am beginning to believe that IVF is just another way of creating the perfect set of circumstances for nature to succeed?

In an article on IVF I read in the Catholic World Report, the author states, "The bottom line is that the Church views the child as a gift from God, not a right..." ( It's an article about why artificial insemination and invitro fertilization are not allowed. I was raised Catholic and understand the Church's teachings and reasoning's for many of its beliefs but here's one (probably because it effects me so much) I can't get past. This sentiment hurts me a lot. Why can't I have that gift? What have I done wrong that makes it so I am not allowed the gift of a child from God? Needle junkies and deadbeats get that gift, easily! Why not me?

You may be sitting here thinking: This chick is cray. She hasn't even found out if this cycle is a definite fail, yet! I know, it probably seems insane to be thinking so far ahead, but things with IF move at light speed (and at a snails pace) and to stay sane you have to be ready to move on, move forward and look forward to the next glimmer of hope out there. If we do the IUIs and that doesn't work, do we just stop? Can I just stop, knowing that there is still another way to create my own tiny human? I never thought I would have to think about medication and once medicated I never thought I would have to think about AI, yet here we are: at the edge of the rabbit hole.

*I would like to add that IF and IF treatment is incredibly personal and can be a difficult journey. I do not believe that AI or IVF is inherently wrong and do not judge anyone who chooses those avenues. This is just my thought process.

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