The BCPs are still kicking my butt. The nausea has passed but my breasts are huge and tender and I am one moody woman. It feels so counter intuitive to be on BCPs in order to try and get pregnant and although I totally understand the rationale and know I cannot get pregnant on my own, it is driving me nuts to be on these anti-baby pills! There is also this nagging concern in the back of my mind that we won't raise enough money in a month to do IVF, so I am worried that I am on them for nothing. What if they screw my body up even more?
I have been under an enormous amount of stress lately and I just have to get it out, so be warned there is a whiny, depressing venting session coming right... now. (I won't be offended if you want to skip this post)
My mom had foot surgery on Friday and is not doing well. She couldn't stop vomiting and couldn't keep her pain meds down so she was miserable and ended up in the ER on Friday for dehydration. My poor dad is trying hard to take care of her but apparently she is being difficult which is very unlike my mom. It's scaring me.
My MIL is being a pain in the butt about her divorce. It seems like everyone in my life just expects me to take care of everything for them and help them through all of their trials and tribulations, without a second thought as to what it means for me. I understand that divorce is difficult and that she really only has me as a sounding board but she overreacts about EVERYTHING and jumps to the worst case scenario immediately, in a complete panic anytime anything happens with her divorce. It is very hard to handle. I am trying to be patient and understanding and calm her nerves but at the same time I want to scream, Just because he asked for it doesn't mean he's going to get it (in regards to my FIL's demands). UGH!
We are in the slow season for our business and it is terrifying. We are just barely squeaking by and each new bill that comes in is stressing me out. I know that things will pick back up in the fall but it is hard to wait out the slow times. My husband's proposed solution to this is to just cancel our health insurance because "it doesn't cover your infertility stuff anyway." Um, what about our regular healthcare? This is not a solution. It poses more of a problem for me. I wanted to hit him with something when he suggested it.
***Children mentioned*** In DH's strange mind, inviting our neighbor's toddlers over should somehow make me feel better about my infertility. He's got it stuck in his head that having children around should cheer me up. Guess what? It doesn't. It's just annoying and I end up babysitting these kids while DH hangs out with their dad outside. All it does is remind me that we don't have kids.
I have long suffered from depression and recently realized that I am in a pretty serious slump. Last week, I only washed my hair once and I haven't cleaned the house or done laundry or made an actual real dinner in two weeks. I BBQ'd on Friday but that doesn't really count since I made no side dishes. These are signs to me that I am slipping, especially since I consider it to be a huge accomplishment to have done the dishes and taken a shower over the weekend. I had planned on cleaning the whole house but that didn't happen and neither did the yard work I had planned. I have a heart problem (SVT) and when I get stressed it really acts up. Even though my heart rate was only elevated twice this weekend, I used it as an excuse to basically do nothing all weekend. I recognize that sitting around and moping will only make things worse but I don't care. I'm stuck in a rut.