Conflicted and Excited?

I arrived early for my appointment with the RE today and sat in the car for a few minutes, checking my work email and looking at my weather app to see what was in store for me on my drive back home, because we have had some huge downpours, and it kinda just hit me. Really? This is my life? Dates with the dildo cam and catheters and at least three other people involved in the actual creation of just one child? Other people just get to put part A into part B and BAM! Pregnant. But noooooooooo, not this girl. I realize that I'm a little far into this journey of infertility to just now have this epiphany but seriously? Where's Ashton? Am I being punked?

Sigh. I got out of the car and went in to sit in the RE's waiting room, rather than sit inside my head inside my car. But when I got to the waiting room, what to my wandering eyes did appear but a young pregnant women with a three or four year old little girl clinging to her legs. WONDERFUL. And you'll never guess what happened next. My nurse came out to get me with a baby CLINGING TO HER HIP. I shit you not, ya'll. A baby. On my nurse's hip. I gave her the areyoufuckingkiddingme look and she said, "Sorry! He's a patient's baby!" Yeah, that makes it better. I do understand that sometimes you have to go to the doctor and you don't have someone to watch your children and these children were probably conceived at my clinic, which is awesome, it just didn't make me feel very good. Call me selfish. I was not pleased. I put on my best fake smile and proceeded into my little room and prepared myself for my date with Mr. Dildo Cam. 

When my doctor came in I explained to him that I have been having periods from hell and he pretty much shrugged it off as the medication actually working and proceeded with my ultrasound. I was lying on the table thinking: Ummmmmm, what? My uterus has turned into a beast from hell that feels like it's trying to claw its way out of my body because the medication is working? Huh? What the fuck? 

I am actually a pretty terrible advocate for myself when it comes to talking to my doctors. To be perfectly honest, they intimidate the hell out of me. I mean, I'm a smart gal, but there's something about the white coat and the Latin words the wearers of the white coats pronounce with ease that throw me and I loose my ability to speak up (if you knew me IRL you'd find that hard to believe as I am very rarely intimidated by anyone). Interestingly enough, what got me to speak up is the fact that I realized that some of my fellow Dreamers and TB gals would tell me that I had to! It was like my internet friends were standing behind me giving me that little shove I needed to speak up.

As soon as my RE was finished dictating everything to my nurse (cd3 lining at 4.5, two follies on the left at 10 and 11 and eight follies on the right under six) I said: this is not due to the medication. This pain I'm having is because my endometriosis is worsening. I haven't had a lap in 8 years and I think it is time for another one. 

He took a little time to look back through my chart and then said that what he thinks we should do is go ahead with this cycle, as planned. He said that since I've recently had a birthday that is putting me close to being AMA (thanks for reminding me) and considering the fact that I already have two good follies growing, there is no point in canceling what could be (another) perfect cycle. If it doesn't work and my angry uterus continues to try and kill me (my words not his) then we will have a sort of WTF appointment and schedule a lap and discuss IVF (I wanted to ask him if he was buying but nodded instead). 

So, there we have it! I'm going for IUI #3! And I'm praying that the third time will be the charm! I'll start my Circle+Bloom meditations tonight, along with 10mg Femara through cd5 with my follie scan on cd10 (next Wednesday) and if all goes well, trigger next Wednesday night and have my IUI next Friday! 

I am, however, conflicted about the high likelihood of an evil period from hell if this IUI doesn't work. DH was scared because I was in so much pain this past weekend and Monday and Tuesday. He kept wanting to take me to the hospital! Hell, I was scared. But, nothing was happening that hasn't happened before, so I knew that it would pass. For now, I guess, I need to let that fear go and focus on my developing follies.

On another note: Chickin and her husband need all of our love, support and prayers tomorrow (Thursday). Please join me in sending them courage, strength, love and peace.