Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Biggest Throat Punch Ever

I have often found myself surprised by how much I have connected to a group of women I have never actually met. Perhaps it is because we are in the IF closet, but the people I am closest too, at this point in my life, happen to be people I have never met IRL before. With these women, who I have only virtually "met" via the Internet, I share my hopes, dreams, disappointments, failures and aspirations and they share theirs with me.

We have created a virtual web of support for one another, that sometimes is the only thing that gets some of us through a bad day. We share in each other's happiness and the excitement that comes with the news of fast growing embies and frosties  and despite our own struggles, we are truly elated for those who finally get that positive test. I, for one, get so excited to tell my DH when one of my fellow bumpies or IDOB ladies has gotten a positive test! It's gotten to the point where he can tell, just by looking at me because of the smile on my face. It might as well be my own, because it feels like that much of a triumph.

******loss mentioned*********

We also share in each other's pain. The BFNs. The lack of frosties. A failed transfer. A miscarriage. We carry each other's pain in our hearts too. And yesterday, the news that one of our own will loose her baby in utero has shaken us all to the core. This person is one of the kindest people I have "met." She is always there to offer a helpful comment or some words of encouragement and is truly remarkable. While she and I have never spoken on the phone, or had a private messaged conversation, I have felt a strong connection to her and since joining these online communities have spoken of her to my DH often. When she got her BFP after years of trying and finally moving to IVF, I was elated for her and over the weeks of her pregnancy have followed her blog religiously and have carried her in my heart. While many of the women who get their BFPs lurk and think of the rest of us often (which we love and appreciate), she has still been a presence, every day. Checking up on all of us and still offering encouragement and support. It has meant so much to all of us, that she hasn't forgotten us or left us behind.

When I read the news, yesterday, that there was a problem with the baby, I literally lost my shit at my desk at work. I cried and prayed for her and her husband and their little one, that it was a mistake. I told my husband that this wasn't fair, that this can't happen to such good people who have tried so hard to make this baby. Then when I read the news that the baby won't make it, I wanted to scream. After everything she has gone through, she has to go through this too? It's practically unfathomable and more than ridiculously unfair. There are no words to describe how terrible this is. I have been thinking about and praying for this women, her husband and their baby non-stop since I read this terrible news. I am sending them peaceful thoughts and love from afar and ask you to take a moment to do the same.

Having experienced a massive loss in my life, when my sister was murdered (while it is not even remarkably comparable, it's all I have to compare it to), I understand that there is nothing any of us can actually do to make this situation better. The pain of a loss like this is not something that will just go away. It is the first thing you think of the moment you wake up in the morning and the last conscious thought you have before drifting off to sleep at night. But, because I feel the need to do SOMETHING, I wanted to share with everyone some articles on how to be there and what you can say (and should not say) to help if you find yourself in this situation. I believe the IF community is a sensitive one and most of these things are what we already know. But to be the most sensitive and supportive people we can be, to someone, when they have experienced something this tragic and horrible is of the utmost importance. The following are links to resources I have found online, to help all of us help our friend's cope.