My favorite blogger, The Bloggess, suffers from depression and one thing she always says is: Depression Lies. I think this saying also applies to PMS related depression. As I wait not so patiently for AF's arrival, I can't help but feel like I just don't want to go through another treatment cycle. I feel hopeless and can't help but think, what's the point? Why make all the long drives, poke myself with needles and get my hopes up only to have everything come crashing down again?
I have tried to be hopeful, tried to be optimistic, tried to point out to myself that maybe IUI#4 could do the trick, to remind myself that it only takes one swimmer and one egg, only to find myself back in the same circular thought pattern of defeat and the need to just give up.
The only thing that is getting me through, at this point, is to keep reminding myself that depression lies. It fools you into thinking that things are hopeless. It lies and tells you that giving up would be easier and it clouds your vision and keeps you from seeing the truth.
Every cycle is a renewal and with each new cycle, there is a chance that I could get pregnant.
That's the most positive thing I can come up with right now, but it's a start. It is the start of a path through the lies depression weaves, that can lead me back to the light that represents a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook that I will need to go through another cycle.