It's been forever!

I feel bad for not updating regularly but every time I go to write something, I feel bad for all my friends still fighting infertility.

So I will keep this short and sweet because I remember wanting to know how my friends were doing with their pregnancies but I didn't want to know every detail!

I am currently 31 weeks 1 day and doing pretty well. Baby girl is measuring on track and seems to be healthy! I am dealing with a lot of non-dialating contractions and have been ordered by my OB to take it easy til our appointment on Wednesday.

As of right now, baby girl is transverse so she's causing me a lot of round ligament pain. There's still lots of time for her to turn herself head down and we won't be making a determination about whether or not a c-section should be scheduled until 2 weeks before my due date. I've been assured that even then, she can still change position so it's just a game of wait and see!

The nursery is pretty much ready, my shower was last weekend and we have everything we need. Now we are working on the extras that make life easier.

I stalk you all and think of you often. Know that I am quietly rooting for you to join me on the other side soon!

19 weeks 2 days

For the moment, things are going well!

I can feel baby girl move a ton and my bleeding turned to brown and then vanished! For the past three days I have felt comfortable enough to stop wearing pads and due to the fact that I can feel baby, I don't use the doppler anymore :)

We have our anatomy scan on Friday so I am anxious to see our LO and know that things are going ok. I am also anxious to see my cervical length because I have had a ton of pressure down there and lost some of my mucous plug during and towards the end of the bleeding. I know it regenerates and my OB assured me that all is well but I worry anyway!

We have started purchasing all kinds of baby stuff including cloth diapers, clothes and decals for the walls of the nursery. I had really wanted to paint a mural myself but I am on bed rest until my appointment on the 13th and after that will probably remain on modified bed rest so it would just be impossible. 

Instead, we ordered the cutest tree, flowers, butterflies, fairies and grass decals for the walls. Grass will line the bottom of the walls and the tree will be on the main wall of the room. It is very exciting. We can't start decorating until after my family visits at Thanksgiving because we will still need the nursery as a guest room but after that it's full speed ahead! I will post pictures when we finish :) 

My nausea has subsided so I am on to my newest symptom: pregsomnia. Thank God for netflix! I re-watched half the second season of TWD last night!

That's all I really have to report for now. I'll come back with an update of our anatomy scan after Friday!

17 weeks - Pregnancy is Scary

I made it all the way to 16 weeks 4 days without any problems or freak outs regarding pregnancy. I have kept my IF brain quiet and have just enjoyed being pregnant. I even kept my mind away from all the scary what-ifs and just lived in the moment, happy that all was well.

Last Sunday at 16+1, we even went for an elective ultrasound and found out that this little one is a girl! All was well with baby girl and she looked excellent on the u/s. We even watched her play with her hands and face for a bit. It was awesome. On Monday, I ordered a huge lot of girl clothes, cloth diapers and a Giant's onesie. Everything was happy and good and I was feeling so comfortable with how things are going.

Things changed on Thursday. I did a lot more than I normally do, because everything is all good. I went grocery shopping, carried a 30 lb bag of dog food, pulled orders, made lunch and then felt super tired.

I decided to veg out on the couch for a bit and after an hour some cramping started. Mild at first and then getting worse and worse. My the time DH came home a few hours later I was in a ton of pain. I got up to go to the bathroom, thinking that as long as I didn't see blood I was ok. And what did I see? Blood. A lot of freaking blood. I panicked and yelled for DH to take me to the hospital, now.

The hospital was crazy busy and we couldn't see a doctor for a while but the triage nurse took pity on me and dragged an ER doc out into the hallway to talk to me. He said that regardless of what was going on, there was nothing they could do because I'm under 20 weeks (which was incredibly upsetting to me) but, he said we could start with an ultrasound to see if baby is still viable and that he could order the u/s even before I got a bed in the ER. Dh and I said "Yes please" in unison.

When we got into the u/s suite, the tech asked us what was going on and I filled her in. She was so nice and after putting the wand on my belly, she turned the screen towards us and said, "you didn't see this from me!" And there was put little girl, heartbeat strong, moving all over the place and even playing with her little feet. The tech went on to do a full anatomy scan and said that baby looked awesome in every way. We were so relieved.

We went back to the waiting room and waited for the doc to call us back. When we were finally called back after hours of waiting, we talked to the doc and he said that because baby looked so good and because my cervix looked good on the u/s, he didn't see the need in doing a pelvic because it could cause more problems. Because I am A- he wanted me to get a rhogam shot so we were gonna be stuck there for a while. I asked to use the bathroom and was allowed and when I was in there thw bleeding has worsened. A lot. It was a steady stream of blood coming put of me. I. Was. Horrified. Scared for me and baby girl. Worried this meant something had changed, it was terrifying. I went back and told the nurse and she got the doc. He said he needed to do a pelvic to be sure my cervix was closed. Thankfully it was and was high and thick, which was a big relief. At this point he said we had a 50/50 chance of things continuing to be ok. He said baby looked great and my cervix was closed and that was the best we could ask for. As to whether or not things would stay that way? Only time will tell.

I was instructed to call my OB in the morning and ordered on strict bed rest, up to pee only, given the rhogam shot and sent on my way with best wishes.

Dh and I were exhausted and after caring for the ranch (well after he cared for the ranch) we were off to sleep.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed, even to pee. I told dh, I was scared to see more blood and scared to move and hurt the baby. Really, I was just plain scared. After hugs, kisses and reassurance from dh, I got up and found I was only spotting old blood, thank God. I called my OB, left a message and waited for them to call back.

After a few hours, I decided to call them. I still can't get over how that conversation went. The short version? The nurse told me she had no plans to call me back because the doctor wasn't there and wouldn't be in until November. My WTF was on so many levels. I practically had to pry out of her that I should try and call another practice. Yeah, I'd be calling another practice all right. And finding a new doctor's office. 

So that's what I did and got in to see George Costanza ' s look-alike that afternoon. The nurse had to do a little fibbing to get me in without an intake appointment but she is an angel for making it work. The doc was great and has worked with lots of IVF mom's, he kept saying, "You are a special mom and everything you feel is important. This may be the only shot you have so we are going to make it count." It was such a relief to have a doc who understood that we weren't just in the position to make another human if this didn't work out. He GOT it.

Overall he said that it could be SCH or it could be something else and that we may never know what caused the bleed but that it was important to focus on the positives: baby looks good and so does my cervix. He also said all we can do is wait and see but he seemed confident that everything looks good for now. He Also made it clear that I could call and come in anytime. He said he'd rather see me for nothing than have me worrying. That was a huge relief. Huge. It was so nice to hear that he would be accessible. So far, with the other OB, I was not given that impression. He said to take it easy and take bed rest precautions. If the bleeding returned, bed rest for two weeks, if not, just a few days and then pelvic rest and no exercise or anything strenuous until told otherwise. I went home, still worried but feeling like at least we are in good hands.

Cue Saturday morning bleeding. I woke up at five to pee and when I wiped? More blood mixed with old blood. Damnit. I headed to the living room to tell dh, who promptly set me up on the couch near him. The doc had said the call if it filled a pad but it was no where near as bad as Thursday and never filled a pad but it was still terrifying. Not ER worthy and not even doc phone call worthy but still, just no. No good. I listened to baby girl with the doppler and she sounded good so I went back to sleep. What else could I do? When I woke up a few hours later I did what any good IFer does; I researched. What is going on with me and my baby? Is she gonna make it? Did I do something wrong? Is there something is can do to make it right?

How do I protect my little miracle who I love more than I ever thought I could love anything who I haven't even met yet?

After hours of reading, I am fairly convinced this is an SCH. Now, I know I am no doctor, but I can read and identify symptoms and I have every single one. It all makes sense. What is really concerning thpugh, is that while most SCH resolve on their own and things end up ok, sch in 2nd tri offers a less optimistic outcome. They often end in stillbirth or miscarriage. That being said, I haven't had an u/s since 9 weeks so it's possible it's been there the whole time as opposed to having just developed. Either way, it's scary and I'm terrified things are going to keep going downhill.

I'm so scared I'm gonna lose my little girl.

So here I lay, on bed rest, knowing that there are no studies that say it helps but knowing that it is the only thing I can do to feel like I am doing something to help my little girl. I listen to her quickly every day (DH asked the OB if it was ok and he said it was) just to reassure myself that she's still with me because now, every flutter, every twinge is terrifying. Things that used to reassure me that she is growing, now make me scared that something is wrong. Everything freaking scares me and it sucks. I can't get back to my happy place. :(

Pregnancy is freaking scary.

13 weeks 4 days

Well, I am just about to the 2nd Trimester and we announced my pregnancy on FB this weekend. It was pretty exciting and we got tons of love and well wishes, which was really nice. My MIL dragged me down by stopping by the house and mentioning that she was surprised so many people commented on it. As if we aren't liked enough to have people excited for us! That woman. In the same visit, she started talking about DH's siblings, which he has asked her, repeatedly, not to talk about with us and DH ended up going off on her about how we do not want them in our lives because they are drug addicts. Now she's not talking to DH. Sometimes it is hard to tell who is the parent and who is the kid. So, it put a damper on our announcement weekend.

Ok, sorry for the non-sequitur! Since our announcement does not have our faces in it, I figure, what's the harm in posting it here? :) I love it and I am so excited to share!

I made all the signs myself in photoshop and DH got them to sit while I took pictures. They were so good, they all sat there for about five minutes!

Update on Pregnancy:

Symptoms: Thankfully, the morning sickness is much improved, I only get brief bouts of nausea that pass pretty quickly. The exhaustion has improved too! I actually feel like doing things and moving around more, which is really nice because I've felt like a sloth these last few months! My boob are getting even bigger, I've now gone up two cup sizes!

Bump: Yup, I have one. It's small but noticeable enough that a few neighbors and close friends have been asking this past week if I am pregnant. It's kind of fun!

Update on our OB appointment:

I was really nervous about the OB appointment because we live in a small town and there is only one that takes our insurance but I am happy to say, I really loved the nurses and the midwife that I met. Everyone was nice and congratulated us over and over after finding out about the IVF. I had also been worried that they would insist on using my LMP date but they went with my FET date so that was awesome! I meet the OB on October 26th and we will be scheduling my NT scan at that appointment :) Everything looked great with baby and we got to hear the heart beat on the doppler. We also got to hear baby swooshing and moving around a ton!

Pregnancy Update!

Well, today I am 11 weeks, 4 days pregnant! I got to stop PIO on Sunday and this coming Sunday I will stop my Crinone and I couldn't be happier. The PIO wasn't too bad, I mean it hurt and my upper butt was looking like a chocolate chip cookie due to the welts and poke marks but it is no where near as bad as the Crinone. I HATE CRINONE.

I have a very sensitive va-jay-jay and get a BV like response to even the gentlest lubes. If I change tampon brands, I get BV and I've had a BV like response (TMI alert: clear, runny discharge and fishy smell) the entire time I've been on it. It's embarrassing and makes me want to puke every time I use the bathroom, which is really fun when already suffering from morning sickness. So, I am extremely happy to be done with the stuff.

Onto the fun stuff, I guess it's best to do this in a list:

Symptoms: I am so sick. I've been taking diclegis for a couple of weeks and while it helps with the nausea, it sometimes does not stop the actual vomiting. Last week, I had one day in which I couldn't keep anything down. Nawt fun. I've been told that it should start easing up soon but honestly, it just seems to be getting worse. I throw up, at least, every other day.  My boobs are gigantic and my waistline is expanding. I'm tired, of course and have started getting headaches in the evening. BUT, I've read that the more harsh your symptoms, the better the baby is doing, so I am embracing them.

Bump: I do have the start of a bump. DH thinks it's because I am so thin, the baby has no where to go but out! It's not noticeable in a picture, yet, but I can definitely see and feel it!

Other info: We have an OB appointment next Tuesday so I will update after that and let everyone know how I am doing!

8 Weeks, two days

****Pregnancy discussed, warning****

I am not totally sure yet, what I am going to do with this blog. Much like in other areas of my online life, I don't want to be a reminder to my friends of what they don't have yet, which is why I have been pretty quiet. But, I also don't want this to be one of those blogs that just ends. So, for now, I think I will just continue to silently root on my fellow IF friends and bloggers and occasionally update what is going on here. There is a good chance I will create a blog separate from this one for my pregnancy but I have yet to do so.

Without further ado:

How far along are you: 8 weeks, 2 days

Recent appointments? Yes, on the 10th we had our first u/s and baby was measuring perfectly with a perfect little flutter beat that we got to see! Next appointment is the 24th at which I will get my weaning schedule for crinone, estradiol and PIO. I don't mind the PIO and estradiol so much but I hate the crinone so I will be glad to be done with that!

Symptoms: Nausea, like all the time. I don't get hungry any more, I get nauseous and then when I eat, I get nauseous again! My boobs are also huge and I am tired all the time. With the nausea, I just try to remind myself that it is a good thing. There have been a few days here and there when I've gone the whole day without feeling sick and I panic and welcome the sickness when it returns!

Bump: DH thinks I already have one but really it's just bloat from the PIO. I look like most ladies look at 12 weeks!

Cravings/Aversions: I want all the carbs, ALL of them! And I cannot stand the sight or smell of meat, especially uncooked meat: YUCK. I try very hard to eat it anyway but it is tough. Mostly I drink shakes (kale, spinach, yogurt, banana, berries, melon, juice etc.) and eat egg, cheese and bagel sandwiches and eat lots of crackers and chips.

Anything fun or interesting? DH makes me breakfast in bed, every day. He is so cute!

3rd Beta and more

Just to be sure everything is progressing, my doctor ordered a 3rd beta for this past Monday and it came back at 18,671 which is a doubling time of 34 hours! :) We are pretty excited that things are moving right along and have ultrasounds scheduled for the 10th and 24th of August. After that, I'll graduate from my RE and move on to an OB.

I've been surprised at my ability to push out all the scary thoughts. I decided, once I saw the first test with a second line that I was just going to celebrate my pregnancy. I was not going to dwell on fears or what-ifs, I was going to be happy that I am pregnant, take good care of myself and think positive thoughts. So far, I've only had a few scary thoughts creep into my mind and I've managed to push them away. I am pregnant, happy and excited.

We told my parents and sisters and my BFF (mostly because my parents were here during IVF and FET and both of my sisters knew what was going on too) but haven't told DH's mom yet. TBH, neither of us trusts her to not tell other people so we are waiting until at least after the first u/s to tell her. It's kind of hard because she lives down the street but I've been avoiding any talk about IF treatment with her and DH has been intervening as much as possible. Also, DH has decided that he no longer wants anything to do with his drug addict sister and brother and she is still in contact with them and he doesn't trust her not to share our news with them.

In other news, we've decided to do a DNA test for DH to find out his heritage. He is adopted and what little info his parents were given, they've never passed on to him. I am Irish to the core and celebrate my heritage and DH doesn't want to have to tell our baby(ies) that they are Irish and who knows what else. TBH, I have always thought that DH is Cuban. He was born in Florida and most definitely is not a white boy, it's the only thing that has ever made sense to me. We are both really excited to find out his background. :)

So, that's all my news for now! I am still adjusting to not being a part of the IF community anymore, which has been a bit of an adjustment. I miss my girls and am rooting for them like crazy but from a distance now, which is hard. I pray that they can all join me on the other side, soon.