Disappointment

It's kind of par for the course when dealing with IF. There are so many ups and downs, so many opportunities for hope and for disappointment. When it comes to participating in the study, I thought I had prepared for every possible disappointment; my blood test results could disqualify me, I could get my period super late, lupron suppression might not work, I could get cancelled for too few follies, I could get cancelled for too many follies... the list went on and on. I was prepared for the possibility of failure. What I hadn't thought of was the chance that I might not ever get to start.

On Friday, I got a phone call from our new clinic. When I looked at the caller ID, I got excited because I figured they were calling me to give me more info to get the ball rolling. I was wrong. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Clinic: Hi! This is Pamela from NCRM, how are you?
Me: Great!
Clinic: I am calling to let you know that we've reached our cap for IVF patients for March.
Me: Oh, ok, well Dr. W told me to call when I got my period at the end of March, is that still ok?
Clinic: Yes! But it looks like you were interested in the IVF study, I just need to let you know that you'll probably have to consider doing IVF in April without the study.
Me: Wait, what? We can't afford to do it without the study!
Clinic: I'm so sorry, it's just that we just received word that they are planning to close the study early. Me: It's not going to close on the 30th? (quiet tears)
Clinic: Well, you can still call after your next period to see but the study will most likely be closed before the 30th.
Me: Oh my gosh. (totally crying and can't get any other words out)
Clinic: I'm so sorry.
Me: Ok (because it was all I could get out)
Clinic: Still call though, ok? Just be prepared that the study is closing early.
Me: Ok, thank you.
Clinic: You're welcome, sorry for the bad news.

And that was it. I felt like someone put a vice grip on my heart and DH just grabbed me and held me while I cried. For a long time. I spent most of the day Friday crying. I just couldn't stop. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was mad at myself for not considering the possibility of the study closing early. I cried because I lost the chance to try.

Saturday morning when I woke up, I thought I felt a little better but the feelings of missing out on the study came flooding back and kinda ruined my day. I was better but not back to normal. I was still grieving. In the evening, DH suggested that we watch Horrible Bosses 2, which was hilarious and lightened both of our moods.

Sunday morning, I decided I needed to get my head back in the game. There is a tiny chance we could get in the study and if we can't, I just need to get back to my pre-study chance frame of mind. This is not the worst thing that could happen to me. So many of my friends have been through so much worse. This is just a bump in the road.

The only thing that keeps lingering is that fact that we have so far to go to save up for treatment. Saving for IVF has been so frustrating. At one point we were up to half of what we needed and then a horse got sick and we had a 1k vet bill, then another horse got sick and then a goat. Having the vet out to the ranch is really expensive and each time they came out, or savings took a hit. Then, we lost our dog, Saphira and then we loaned a small amount to a family member, who will pay us back but still, it's gone for the moment.

For now, I am holding my head up high and moving forward. It's all I can do. I'll keep saving and fund raising and maybe we'll get there someday.