Anxious

I have massive anxiety today! I have my baseline appointment today and have a ton of questions for my RE. I am going to ask about Pregnitude and for them to up my Femara dosage in hopes that we can have IUI #1 next week. Last cycle I had a huge follie and a small follie. I think the huge one was overripe and the small one didn't get big enough in time and I don't want to spend the money on an IUI for follies that won't work. My DH was actually pretty hard to convince to do the IUI. He hasn't warmed to the idea of having so much assistance in getting me KU. He just wants us to get pregnant the old fashion way, if it's "meant to be," and has had a hard time adjusting to me taking all the meds and all the tests and everything. I know he doesn't mean for it to but his disappointment about having to get help makes me feel like a disappointment. 

We had a long talk on Saturday. He said would be happy either way. He says that he would love to have kids and knows that we would be awesome parents but he is completely 100% ok if we can't get pregnant because he is very happy with just me, without us having kids, but doesn't want to hold me back from any treatment we can afford because he knows it is important to me. I explained to him that I can't help the way I feel, that the burning desire in side of me, to have a child, doesn't feel like something I can just make go away. I never wanted to feel this way, in fact, I used to think that women who went through all these treatments were crazy and that they should just accept that they can't have kids. I felt that way about my sister and the crazy person she turned into when she was going through infertility treatments. Now, that I am in those same shoes, I feel bad for thinking that way. I feel bad for not trying to understand what my sister went through and I feel crazy for feeling the way I do now.