The power of positive thinking

I am going all in. I'm putting all my emotional chips in and going for the win. No bluffing. No second guessing. I am convinced that this is going to work! I had already decided this, before my u/s this morning because this cycle, the power of positive thinking is going to make my dreams come true.

Yes, I know it sounds a little silly and weird but really? I need to be all in this IUI. Mind, body and heart. I have forgiven my body for its past transgressions and am completely willing to believe that my body can successfully do its part in creating a tiny human.

These are all the thoughts I have been repeating to myself for the past three days and I am going to keep repeating them because ya know what? I have two follies that look GREAT for my IUI which has been scheduled for Wednesday morning!!!!! I actually have three follies on my right side at 21.5, 16 and 10.5. But my RE said the 10.5 (obviously) won't be ready by Wednesday morning. BUT two of those beautiful little embies will be and my RE said they both look really good! My lining is great and I am read to go!

Circle + Bloom

Despite the fact that I am battling some pretty embarrassing side effects from Femara and have to clench-walk to the bathroom every hour, I am in a good head space. I attribute this to the newest addition to my protocol: Circle + Bloom. I somewhat hesitantly shelled out the cash to download their IUI/IVF program because once I found it, I decided that if I don't try it and this cycle fails, I will forever wonder if adding it to my daily routine would have been the thing that could have made it work. 

I started the program without really thinking that it would help me relax and/or help me change my mindset but I was pleasantly surprised. In fact, while listening to the introduction, I actually started to cry (in a good way). The woman who created and narrates the program said some encouraging words about struggling with infertility and apparently it was just the encouragement that I needed and tears of relief (or maybe acknowledgement?) just flowed unwittingly down my checks.

The meditation helps me to feel much more relaxed and reminds me that a positive attitude about my body succeeding at what I want it to do, is the best approach. Whereas last treatment cycle I felt overwhelmed by the side effects, pains and changes in my body, this cycle I am embracing them. If I am having side effects, that means the medicine is in my system, doing its job. The pains I feel? They are good, not annoying. They mean my ovaries are doing their job and the bloating means those beautiful little follies are plumping up and filling out, just like they are supposed to.

I like this mindset and I like me better when I am able to think this way. I am trying not to entertain the little negative voices in my head. Instead I am trying (hesitantly but I am trying) to truly believe that this cycle will work and that my body will succeed. I am filling my brain and body with positive energy and thoughts and hoping believing that this time will work.

Moving on up

Well my baseline appointment was yesterday and I had a lot of baby follies! 6 follies on my right side all under 8 mm and 8 follies on my left side all under 6mm. When my RE came in and I told him that we were ready to move on to our first IUI he was very happy. He said I have responded well to medication in the past and with all those follicles we were bound to get one that would get that baby. If I were just starting out in this process, I think I would be more excited but right now I am going with cautious optimism. There's a caveat to all that "we'll get you that baby" talk. One of my follies needs to be between 18-20 mm in order for them to do the IUI. I've never had a follie that size. They are always either, much bigger or much smaller. So I am going to try the Cycle + Bloom meditations along with all my usual vitamins and supplements, Femara and good ole positive thinking.

I've never been one to keep secrets, especially from my sisters. Although I am private, I am pretty much an open book and a terrible liar. I'm still contemplating whether or not I am going to tell my sister prior to her arrival next week. My sister is awesome, she really is, but  I can't emotionally afford to get too excited for this IUI and that is exactly what she will do. She will be ridiculously excited and want to talk it to death. I can barely handle my own disappointment when I get my BFNs, let alone anyone else's disappointment and if this IUI doesn't work. *Sigh*

Anxious

I have massive anxiety today! I have my baseline appointment today and have a ton of questions for my RE. I am going to ask about Pregnitude and for them to up my Femara dosage in hopes that we can have IUI #1 next week. Last cycle I had a huge follie and a small follie. I think the huge one was overripe and the small one didn't get big enough in time and I don't want to spend the money on an IUI for follies that won't work. My DH was actually pretty hard to convince to do the IUI. He hasn't warmed to the idea of having so much assistance in getting me KU. He just wants us to get pregnant the old fashion way, if it's "meant to be," and has had a hard time adjusting to me taking all the meds and all the tests and everything. I know he doesn't mean for it to but his disappointment about having to get help makes me feel like a disappointment. 

We had a long talk on Saturday. He said would be happy either way. He says that he would love to have kids and knows that we would be awesome parents but he is completely 100% ok if we can't get pregnant because he is very happy with just me, without us having kids, but doesn't want to hold me back from any treatment we can afford because he knows it is important to me. I explained to him that I can't help the way I feel, that the burning desire in side of me, to have a child, doesn't feel like something I can just make go away. I never wanted to feel this way, in fact, I used to think that women who went through all these treatments were crazy and that they should just accept that they can't have kids. I felt that way about my sister and the crazy person she turned into when she was going through infertility treatments. Now, that I am in those same shoes, I feel bad for thinking that way. I feel bad for not trying to understand what my sister went through and I feel crazy for feeling the way I do now.

Inconvenient Timing

I'm 11 dpo and this morning's BFN wasn't really a big surprise. Ya know, because of the usual: I suck at making tiny humans! I'm looking forward to next cycle and my IUI which I just realized is going to be at a very inconvenient time. My sister and her family are coming for Thanksgiving, as they do every year, and they usually arrive the day before. However, she has decided they would like to come two days before turkey day. I am so looking forward to seeing them, however the day they plan to come will be (most likely if this cycle is the same as the others) the day I will be having my IUI. So how do I explain that one? Sorry Sis, the DH and I have to take a two hour road trip for a doctor's appointment, could you just hang out for a bit? AND, I'll have to give myself a booster shot on Thanksgiving day. I can just see myself reaching in the fridge to pull out my Pregnyl that has HCG written very largely across the box with my sister looking over my shoulder. Sigh. I think I am about to be outed.

100%

Internal Monologue

This is the running conversation I have had in my head this morning. I am incorrigible.

External Optimist Me: (after feeling a slight pinch/pull in my lower abdomen) Eeeek! Was that implantation?

Logical Me: You are 5dpo. Stop.

EOM: (after using the bathroom and noticing CM) Ooooo! I haven't had that type of CM before, have I? I should check FF and compare all the signs I have ever recorded at 5dpo. This could be an early pregnancy sign!

LM: You are 5dpo. Stop. This is a natural cycle. You don't O mature eggs on your own. Knock it off.

EOM: Maybe I should just google the symptoms for 5dpo? You never know! It only takes once! Stranger things have happened!

LM: You hate it when people say that stuff. Just stop.

EOM: My boobs hurt! Maybe...

LM: Your  boobs always hurt from O to AF. Just stop it. SMH!

Feeling... off

I'm 4dpo here of a natural cycle which was forced upon me by the powers that be at Blue Shield. Why they can't seem to communicate with my RE's office is beyond me. I even called them and while they said my cycle was covered, they didn't get in contact with my RE's office in time to get me in for my baseline! I think I am just going to have to get used to only being able to have medicated cycles, every other cycle. *sigh* Such is life. I am not very optimistic about this cycle, being that I such at creating mature tiny human eggs but there is always that little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that says, what if?

From about 9 last night I have felt off. 4 dpo is way early to have any symptoms but I just don't feel right. I feel car sick and have cramps. Nawt fun.

Keeping IF in The Closet

We are not "out" about our struggles with IF. We have not told family and friends. There are many reasons for this but the biggest one is that I am not ready to come out. I am not emotionally prepared to admit to the world that I am broken and I am not ready to hear what the world has to say about that. I do not wish to welcome the world and its opinions into our bedroom or doctor's office.

By not telling anyone, I still have a space in my life where I am not broken. To everyone but me, I am just a women without children, not a women who fails at creating tiny humans. When I am with everyone else, my IF does not define me, and by coming out, I would no longer be just me.

Still, there have been many times during conversations with my mom or sister's that I have almost just blurted it out but I have stopped myself because at this point, I have done so much of this alone and have not told anyone for so long, I imagine that they will be hurt that I didn't tell them. I can see, however, that the time to tell them will come. It's like my heart and mind have started to search for a time to tell them without my permission and it is for that reason that I have started to try and find resources to help them cope with my brokeness, and why I didn't share it with them, and help them cope with me.

There are three posts I have found that I really related to and I hope that one day I can direct people to them and they will understand things a little better.

http://www.sharedjourney.com/shared_experiences/a_letter_to_family_and_friends_____.html

http://lovelylittlelife-hannah.blogspot.com/2013/07/9-things-infertile-women-want-women.html 

http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/2012/06/tasty-sneakers.html#.UnQKS_msiSo