Off Topic

I am a huge fan of T.Heresa C.aputo (added the periods on purpose so my blog doesn't come up in a search about her) and watch her show all the time. On Sunday, they were doing a free reading giveaway during the season finale and I was tweeting up a storm to try and win. I forgot that when I tweet, it auto posts on FB so my Aunt happened to see that I was trying to be able to go see T.heresa and she offered to pay for tickets for DH and I to go see her when she is here in Sac in a few weeks! I was shocked and am super excited because we now have tickets to see her and are sitting in the second row! It'll be right in the middle of my TWW so anticipating going to the show will help take my mind off POASing :)

Coming Out... A little bit

Today was my baseline ultrasound. I had a plan all worked out in my mind to be a good advocate for myself and ask for a protocol change, request for approval from my insurance for IUI#5 to go in today and a plan for timed intercourse cycles after my insurance stops covering IUIs in July. I was also going to inform my RE that I would be applying for an IVF trial at USF. Things didn't go exactly as planned as my RE had some ideas of his own and I knew it the second he came into the room with the nurse practitioner rather than my regular nurse. He started off by telling me that all the RE's reviewed my chart this morning and that they are in agreement that my left tube is blocked and that the scar tissue build up around my right ovary is probably making it impossible for sperm and egg to meet.

When I had my saline sonogram at the beginning of all this treatment, they filled my uterus with fluid and then passed bubbles through the fluid, through my tubes. The right one was clear but the bubbles held up for a bit at my ovary. On the left side, it was inconclusive as to whether or not the bubbles actually made it through my left tube. He said they had seen both things happen in other women that still managed to get pregnant with IUI which is why they had recommended I proceed with them, but after three failed IUIs with perfect responses to meds, beautiful lining and excellent sperm count, they are now convinced things are blocked up. 

He said his recommendation, with the backing of the other two RE's at the practice is that our only option is IVF. However, he was ok with trying one more IUI with boosted meds as a Hail Mary on the off chance that with multiple follies, one might get through. Also, this would give us a chance to see how I respond to boosted meds that could be used as a cost saving measure for IVF. Low and behold, during my ultrasound, we discovered that my lining is already at 8.9 and I have two follies at 11, one on each side. So tonight I took all ten of my pills instead of taking two a day for five days and I will go back next Monday to see how those 11s look and see whether or not any of the smallers follies picked up the pace.

I told him about the trial at USF and said that we really couldn't afford IVF. He said that he had discussed that with the other RE's and because they think I am a perfect candidate for IVF, they would offer me a lower rate, which is about $4,000 less than the normal rate and he told me about the Compassionate Care program for meds, which could save us another $6,000. They also offer financing plans for IVF. I was devastated and grateful at the same time and when I got to my car, I was crying but already working out numbers in my head, until I realized: we are self employed. Do you know how hard it is to qualify for any kind of financing when you are self employed? It's damn near impossible. 

I updated my IDOB ladies on our Hail Mary IUI and then I texted DH the short version of the news (yup, the ladies got the news first! Lol) and when my cell rang, I figured it was DH and told Siri to answer before I looked at my caller ID screen. It wasn't DH. It was my mom. And she could tell by the way I answered that I was upset. And I couldn't lie. I just couldn't. 

Everything came pouring out. All the testing. The treatments. The insurance issues. The doctor saying IVF is our only option. The devastation and pain and sorrow and agony I have been going through, while feeling so alone. The fear of telling her because of her beliefs and the fact that I didn't believe she would be suppotive because ART goes against the church. All of it. It just poured out of me. And ya know what my mom said? She said, Thank you. Thank you for sharing this with me. And what can we do to help? 

She had some concerns about what would happen to extra embryos if we did IVF, but beyond that she did not stress any other church ideology. My dad must have been listening in because he asked her to ask me how much IVF would cost and when I told them, he whistled and they both said they would do what they could to help. Then, in typical mom fashion she started putting a plan together on how to get the rest. Cousin Peter does crowd funding for all his humanitarian trips! You could do that! You can write a blog and tell your story and I'll pass all the info on to your Aunts and Unlces and they will help, she said.  And so will her friends Linda and Donna and my sisters and their friends. My mom said, "Everyone who knows you knows you'll be a great mom and they'll want to help. You don't have to ask strangers. Just tell your story, the same way you told me and everyone will want to help."

I was pretty shocked. DH says I don't give my parents enough credit. Through all the worrying about whether or not they would side with their church and religious beliefs over me, I forgot that I am their child and they want me to be happy and if that means that science needs to help me achieve my biggest dream then apparently they are all for it. After our conversation, I felt bad for not telling them sooner but as DH pointed out, she had some questions that I wouldn't have been prepared to answer if we hadn't gone through all the other treatment first. At the beginning of this battle, I didn't know enough about it and I hadn't educated myself enough to answer questions about what I would do with extra embryos or whether or not IVF truly gives you a litter of babies! So, in a lot of ways, it's a good thing that I waited this long to come out to my parents. I had to go through a lot and learn a lot before I could share my fight.

So, who knows? This Hail Mary cycle could work. But if it doesn't, IVF is looking like a pretty real option. 

The Hits Always Keep on Coming

Well, we received out insurance renewal package in the mail today and it was like a punch in the gut. At first, when looking at our coverage, I was so excited because we no longer have to pay for the Infertility Rider! Our insurance company is now covering 50% of the diagnosis and treatment of infertility as part of our plan. BUT. There's a big BUT. It no longer covers IUIs. Cue the tears. It looks like, at this point, my only option is to move forward with IUI#4 and try to squeeze in IUI#5 before my coverage period ends with my current insurance. After that, when our plan changes, the only things they will cover are the appointments for medicated TI cycles. I know many people don't have any coverage at all, so I should be grateful for the small amount of coverage I have had so far, but it's a big disappointment. I was hoping to be able to do three more IUIs before having to call it quits (unless we win the lottery). But, what can you do?

On the plus side, AF has arrived and my baseline u/s is scheduled for Monday morning so we can get the IUI#4 show on the road. It's amazing how much my mood has changed since we are moving forward with another IUI. I know the chances of it working are slim but I am back to feeling better about at least doing SOMETHING. Rather than just drinking lots of spearmint tea with Pregnitude sprinkled in there and praying for the best.

Oddly, my cycles are getting longer. Meaning I have been "ovulating" later. I put this in quotes because my elevated androgen levels mean that I do not O mature eggs. I wonder if Oing later means the pregnitude and spearmint tea are working and my natural O date has been getting later because my eggs are more mature? I have gone from 21 day cycles for my first two years TTC to 24 day cycles for my 3rd and 4th year of TTC to 27 and 28 day cycles for the last few months (these are during natural, not medicated cycles). Ovulation has changed from cd 10 or 11 to cd 13 or 14. This month I think it was actually cd 15. Just food for thought, I suppose.

On a completely different topic, I just want to express how grateful I am to have such amazing, supportive and honest women in my support group (IDOB). I consider myself to be a bit of a self proclaimed professional lurker on The Bump; Parenting and TTGP Boards. TTC is my home board so I comment there the most but occasionally, over the past year, I have commented on TTGP but mostly I lurk because by the time I get to threads, everything has already been said and I don't want to add things just to get a word in. The women on TTGP are funny, witty and knowledgeable and I enjoy reading what they have to say. The havoc that has been reeked on those two boards over the last few days and weeks by two horrible women has both shocked me and made me even more grateful for the support I have through IDOB and for the honesty and lack of drama we have in our group. Having experienced someone like those women, IRL, I know the pain they can cause and I feel terrible for those who were betrayed and hurt by those women.

It's Probably the PMS

My favorite blogger, The Bloggess, suffers from depression and one thing she always says is: Depression Lies. I think this saying also applies to PMS related depression. As I wait not so patiently for AF's arrival, I can't help but feel like I just don't want to go through another treatment cycle. I feel hopeless and can't help but think, what's the point? Why make all the long drives, poke myself with needles and get my hopes up only to have everything come crashing down again?

I have tried to be hopeful, tried to be optimistic, tried to point out to myself that maybe IUI#4 could do the trick, to remind myself that it only takes one swimmer and one egg, only to find myself back in the same circular thought pattern of defeat and the need to just give up.

The only thing that is getting me through, at this point, is to keep reminding myself that depression lies. It fools you into thinking that things are hopeless. It lies and tells you that giving up would be easier and it clouds your vision and keeps you from seeing the truth.

Every cycle is a renewal and with each new cycle, there is a chance that I could get pregnant.

That's the most positive thing I can come up with right now, but it's a start. It is the start of a path through the lies depression weaves, that can lead me back to the light that represents a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook that I will need to go through another cycle.

I Feel Like a Terrible Person

I'm awful. I really am. On Saturday, my brother-in-law (DH's youngest brother) got engaged. It was really quite sweet. His finace and he met doing Ren Faires, so this weekend while at the Ren Faire, he proposed in front of everyone. My future SIL is very nice and takes great care of my BIL and they have a great relationship. I am truly excited to have her as a SIL, especially considering that my husband's sister is a drug addict psychopath. It will be nice to have a healthy, normal person in the family.

BUT, they immediately started talking kids. She is 37 and they want to get started right away. As in, she threw the BCPs out the day after he proposed. I am absolutely TERRIFIED that they are going to get pregnant right away and I feel terrible that I feel that way. I want to be happy for them and give them lots of encouragement and support, but inside I am seething about something that hasn't even happened yet!

Huge confession: I caught myself thinking that they'll probably have problems getting KU because she is AMA and very overweight. I immediately stopped myself, because I would not wish IF or any difficulty conceiving on my worst enemy. What is wrong with me? This is not who I am!

Here I Go Again

What is it with my IF brain that makes me a crazy women? Even on a natural cycle, the second I saw FF mark my O day, I started symptom spotting. It is out of control ridonkulous.

My logical brain says, "Uh dummy? There is no way you could possibly have any symptoms of anything (besides being crazy)."

My IF brain says, "Ooooooooo! Was that a pinch? Was that a tug? Could be your uterus stretching!"

Maybe I should go back to school and become a scientist who researches what causes the brain to act this way and make a pill to stop the crazy obsessive thoughts. I bet I could make MILLIONS!

Happy 45th Birthday to My Sister

*Normally, I use this blog for thoughts about IF and occasionally fur babies. However, since my life isn't all about IF and fur babies, I will be going off topic today to let out my emotions regarding my sister's death and what would have been her 45th birthday. Feel free to skip this post, it's sad and it's kind of disorganized, like my head today, so I won't be offended if you'd rather come back another day.*

Ya know when you are having a crappy couple of days and then you realize that there is a logical explanation for why you feel so bad? I had that light bulb revelation last night when I realized that today would have been my sister's 45th birthday. I thought to myself, "Ah ha! That's why my heart feels like it has been run over by a truck." It's not like I forgot that May 1st is her birthday, it's definitely been looming, but I often try to push from my mind the fact that she is gone. It makes it easier to go through my days without actually thinking about it because when I think about it, it is real and the hole that her absence has left in my heart seems to widen.

In some ways it is easier for me to push aside the fact that she is gone because I don't have any memories of her in my home or town. It makes me sad that she was never able to see the house we built or all the beautiful property we have. Unlike my other sister's and parents, I have no memories of her walking in my front door or sitting in my kitchen because my home didn't exist until after she was taken from us. It makes me sad and angry that I didn't get to share this part of my life with her but it does make it easier on me. It's a blessing and a curse.

This day is hard for a different reason than the anniversary of her death because this day is the day my mom gave birth to my sister. My mom doesn't talk about it and I don't push but every year, I feel like I should say something to her, something that might make it a little easier for my mom but I can never find the right words. I stay silent on this day. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that my mom must feel, the overwhelming sadness that must overwhelm her when she thinks back to my sister's birth, her childhood, her youth. My parent's dreams for her future and the realization of those dreams and then the reality that it was all taken away. Stripped from them in a matter of seconds when they were told of her death. My own pain is hard enough to bare, I cannot imagine theirs.

As I continue through my journey of IF the fact that my mother lost her child is at the forefront of my mind. My mourning used to revolve around MY pain. The pain of losing my sister and best friend. Now, it revolves more around the loss my mom feels, the loss of my sister as my mother's child.

I've been trying to push through my work day when all I really want to do is go get back in bed. I texted one of my sisters and asked her, "Are we supposed to be happy or sad on this day?" I never know. Are we supposed to celebrate because she was born or mourn because she isn't here to be pissed off that she would be 45 today? My sister freaked on her 30th birthday, I cannot imagine how freaked out she would be by being 45! I'd give anything to know.

On this day, I would like to share the story of the dragonfly, which inspired me to get this tattoo in my sister's honor:

The Story of the Dragonfly is a children's story about death. I read it two days after my sister died and it just felt right and true.

Once upon a time, there was little pond filled with beautiful lily pads. In the pond lived a little beetle. The beetle lived with a large community of water beetles; his mother and father, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, neighbors and friends.

Most of the time, the water beetles lived a happy, idyllic life. But occasionally, one of the beetles would climb the stem of the lily pad and never be seen again. The water beetles grieved their fellow water beetle, knowing their friend was dead and gone forever.

One day, the little beetle decided to climb the lily pad stem himself. He wanted to discover what was on the other side and come back to tell the rest what he had found. He was determined he would return after his exploration above.

And so he climbed and climbed and climbed. When he finally reached the top of the lily pad, he fell fast asleep, exhausted from his journey.

The little beetle slept a long time and when he woke up, his body changed. He had beautiful blue wings and a long blue tail. He wasn’t a beetle anymore. He was a magnificent dragonfly.

The dragonfly stretched out his broad wings and rose above the water. He discovered a whole new world with beauty beyond his imagining. The sun was so bright and the sky was so blue. He could hardly believe this new world on the other side of the lily pad, so close to him and yet he never knew it existed.

Then he remembered his promise to return to tell his fellow beetles what was on the other side of the lily pad. They would be so happy to hear the good news. He wanted desperately to go back to tell them this incredible news, but his new body wasn’t designed to swim in the water any more. He wondered if they would even recognize him if he returned.

He realized someday each one of his friends would have the courage to take this same journey, making the long climb up the stem of the lily pad. Then they would understand too.

The little dragonfly missed his old friends, but he knew they would join him someday. And he flew off in great joy.