Coming Out... A little bit

Today was my baseline ultrasound. I had a plan all worked out in my mind to be a good advocate for myself and ask for a protocol change, request for approval from my insurance for IUI#5 to go in today and a plan for timed intercourse cycles after my insurance stops covering IUIs in July. I was also going to inform my RE that I would be applying for an IVF trial at USF. Things didn't go exactly as planned as my RE had some ideas of his own and I knew it the second he came into the room with the nurse practitioner rather than my regular nurse. He started off by telling me that all the RE's reviewed my chart this morning and that they are in agreement that my left tube is blocked and that the scar tissue build up around my right ovary is probably making it impossible for sperm and egg to meet.

When I had my saline sonogram at the beginning of all this treatment, they filled my uterus with fluid and then passed bubbles through the fluid, through my tubes. The right one was clear but the bubbles held up for a bit at my ovary. On the left side, it was inconclusive as to whether or not the bubbles actually made it through my left tube. He said they had seen both things happen in other women that still managed to get pregnant with IUI which is why they had recommended I proceed with them, but after three failed IUIs with perfect responses to meds, beautiful lining and excellent sperm count, they are now convinced things are blocked up. 

He said his recommendation, with the backing of the other two RE's at the practice is that our only option is IVF. However, he was ok with trying one more IUI with boosted meds as a Hail Mary on the off chance that with multiple follies, one might get through. Also, this would give us a chance to see how I respond to boosted meds that could be used as a cost saving measure for IVF. Low and behold, during my ultrasound, we discovered that my lining is already at 8.9 and I have two follies at 11, one on each side. So tonight I took all ten of my pills instead of taking two a day for five days and I will go back next Monday to see how those 11s look and see whether or not any of the smallers follies picked up the pace.

I told him about the trial at USF and said that we really couldn't afford IVF. He said that he had discussed that with the other RE's and because they think I am a perfect candidate for IVF, they would offer me a lower rate, which is about $4,000 less than the normal rate and he told me about the Compassionate Care program for meds, which could save us another $6,000. They also offer financing plans for IVF. I was devastated and grateful at the same time and when I got to my car, I was crying but already working out numbers in my head, until I realized: we are self employed. Do you know how hard it is to qualify for any kind of financing when you are self employed? It's damn near impossible. 

I updated my IDOB ladies on our Hail Mary IUI and then I texted DH the short version of the news (yup, the ladies got the news first! Lol) and when my cell rang, I figured it was DH and told Siri to answer before I looked at my caller ID screen. It wasn't DH. It was my mom. And she could tell by the way I answered that I was upset. And I couldn't lie. I just couldn't. 

Everything came pouring out. All the testing. The treatments. The insurance issues. The doctor saying IVF is our only option. The devastation and pain and sorrow and agony I have been going through, while feeling so alone. The fear of telling her because of her beliefs and the fact that I didn't believe she would be suppotive because ART goes against the church. All of it. It just poured out of me. And ya know what my mom said? She said, Thank you. Thank you for sharing this with me. And what can we do to help? 

She had some concerns about what would happen to extra embryos if we did IVF, but beyond that she did not stress any other church ideology. My dad must have been listening in because he asked her to ask me how much IVF would cost and when I told them, he whistled and they both said they would do what they could to help. Then, in typical mom fashion she started putting a plan together on how to get the rest. Cousin Peter does crowd funding for all his humanitarian trips! You could do that! You can write a blog and tell your story and I'll pass all the info on to your Aunts and Unlces and they will help, she said.  And so will her friends Linda and Donna and my sisters and their friends. My mom said, "Everyone who knows you knows you'll be a great mom and they'll want to help. You don't have to ask strangers. Just tell your story, the same way you told me and everyone will want to help."

I was pretty shocked. DH says I don't give my parents enough credit. Through all the worrying about whether or not they would side with their church and religious beliefs over me, I forgot that I am their child and they want me to be happy and if that means that science needs to help me achieve my biggest dream then apparently they are all for it. After our conversation, I felt bad for not telling them sooner but as DH pointed out, she had some questions that I wouldn't have been prepared to answer if we hadn't gone through all the other treatment first. At the beginning of this battle, I didn't know enough about it and I hadn't educated myself enough to answer questions about what I would do with extra embryos or whether or not IVF truly gives you a litter of babies! So, in a lot of ways, it's a good thing that I waited this long to come out to my parents. I had to go through a lot and learn a lot before I could share my fight.

So, who knows? This Hail Mary cycle could work. But if it doesn't, IVF is looking like a pretty real option.