Riding the Pine

IF makes you a little crazy. Ok, a lot crazy. I have never been so obsessed with something in my life. I’ve never felt so completely encompassed by one thing but I can’t get having a baby off my mind.

I have five beautiful nieces and one nephew. I adore them all. Two of them live close enough that I have even been able to have a hand in raising them as my SIL is a single mom and has needed a helping hand more often than not. I have been blessed to have them in my life every day until a few months ago when my SIL fell off the wagon (meth). To make an incredibly long story short, my SIL is no longer speaking to my DH and me because we do not agree with her lifestyle choices and does not allow us to see the girls. This has just about wrecked me. I have always consoled myself with the idea that although we have not been able to get pregnant, we have the girls and we can spoil them and love them as if they were our own. Now that we don’t have them, I am finding the BFNs affecting me far more than they did before. The highs and lows of IF are much more high and low and I am finding it harder to recover and keep a rational and positive mindset. I find it hard to focus on work and hard to motivate myself to do anything at home. I read blogs, I read about treatment, I read about natural treatments. I worry, a lot. I worry that because we only have enough coverage left for two IUIs before we reach our insurance cap, we will have no choice but to stop trying and just be. My husband lost his job last year and although we still have our company, we don’t have the type of disposable income we used to have that would allow me to just plug right on ahead with treatment after treatment. Actually, "worry" isn’t the right word. I obsess. I obsess about these things. I think about them constantly. I put all my energy into thinking about having a baby and it’s pretty ridiculous. I recognize that this is not healthy and that I need to try and live my life without letting IF and my determination to have a baby take over but it’s a rough road, especially when riding the pine because I feel like I have no control over it right now.

On the plus side, my RE’s office called and said that they got approval for my next treatment cycle and for IUI #1! If all goes the way it should I will be having my first IUI the week of Thanksgiving. Now that is something to feel good about.