17 weeks - Pregnancy is Scary

I made it all the way to 16 weeks 4 days without any problems or freak outs regarding pregnancy. I have kept my IF brain quiet and have just enjoyed being pregnant. I even kept my mind away from all the scary what-ifs and just lived in the moment, happy that all was well.

Last Sunday at 16+1, we even went for an elective ultrasound and found out that this little one is a girl! All was well with baby girl and she looked excellent on the u/s. We even watched her play with her hands and face for a bit. It was awesome. On Monday, I ordered a huge lot of girl clothes, cloth diapers and a Giant's onesie. Everything was happy and good and I was feeling so comfortable with how things are going.

Things changed on Thursday. I did a lot more than I normally do, because everything is all good. I went grocery shopping, carried a 30 lb bag of dog food, pulled orders, made lunch and then felt super tired.

I decided to veg out on the couch for a bit and after an hour some cramping started. Mild at first and then getting worse and worse. My the time DH came home a few hours later I was in a ton of pain. I got up to go to the bathroom, thinking that as long as I didn't see blood I was ok. And what did I see? Blood. A lot of freaking blood. I panicked and yelled for DH to take me to the hospital, now.

The hospital was crazy busy and we couldn't see a doctor for a while but the triage nurse took pity on me and dragged an ER doc out into the hallway to talk to me. He said that regardless of what was going on, there was nothing they could do because I'm under 20 weeks (which was incredibly upsetting to me) but, he said we could start with an ultrasound to see if baby is still viable and that he could order the u/s even before I got a bed in the ER. Dh and I said "Yes please" in unison.

When we got into the u/s suite, the tech asked us what was going on and I filled her in. She was so nice and after putting the wand on my belly, she turned the screen towards us and said, "you didn't see this from me!" And there was put little girl, heartbeat strong, moving all over the place and even playing with her little feet. The tech went on to do a full anatomy scan and said that baby looked awesome in every way. We were so relieved.

We went back to the waiting room and waited for the doc to call us back. When we were finally called back after hours of waiting, we talked to the doc and he said that because baby looked so good and because my cervix looked good on the u/s, he didn't see the need in doing a pelvic because it could cause more problems. Because I am A- he wanted me to get a rhogam shot so we were gonna be stuck there for a while. I asked to use the bathroom and was allowed and when I was in there thw bleeding has worsened. A lot. It was a steady stream of blood coming put of me. I. Was. Horrified. Scared for me and baby girl. Worried this meant something had changed, it was terrifying. I went back and told the nurse and she got the doc. He said he needed to do a pelvic to be sure my cervix was closed. Thankfully it was and was high and thick, which was a big relief. At this point he said we had a 50/50 chance of things continuing to be ok. He said baby looked great and my cervix was closed and that was the best we could ask for. As to whether or not things would stay that way? Only time will tell.

I was instructed to call my OB in the morning and ordered on strict bed rest, up to pee only, given the rhogam shot and sent on my way with best wishes.

Dh and I were exhausted and after caring for the ranch (well after he cared for the ranch) we were off to sleep.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed, even to pee. I told dh, I was scared to see more blood and scared to move and hurt the baby. Really, I was just plain scared. After hugs, kisses and reassurance from dh, I got up and found I was only spotting old blood, thank God. I called my OB, left a message and waited for them to call back.

After a few hours, I decided to call them. I still can't get over how that conversation went. The short version? The nurse told me she had no plans to call me back because the doctor wasn't there and wouldn't be in until November. My WTF was on so many levels. I practically had to pry out of her that I should try and call another practice. Yeah, I'd be calling another practice all right. And finding a new doctor's office. 

So that's what I did and got in to see George Costanza ' s look-alike that afternoon. The nurse had to do a little fibbing to get me in without an intake appointment but she is an angel for making it work. The doc was great and has worked with lots of IVF mom's, he kept saying, "You are a special mom and everything you feel is important. This may be the only shot you have so we are going to make it count." It was such a relief to have a doc who understood that we weren't just in the position to make another human if this didn't work out. He GOT it.

Overall he said that it could be SCH or it could be something else and that we may never know what caused the bleed but that it was important to focus on the positives: baby looks good and so does my cervix. He also said all we can do is wait and see but he seemed confident that everything looks good for now. He Also made it clear that I could call and come in anytime. He said he'd rather see me for nothing than have me worrying. That was a huge relief. Huge. It was so nice to hear that he would be accessible. So far, with the other OB, I was not given that impression. He said to take it easy and take bed rest precautions. If the bleeding returned, bed rest for two weeks, if not, just a few days and then pelvic rest and no exercise or anything strenuous until told otherwise. I went home, still worried but feeling like at least we are in good hands.

Cue Saturday morning bleeding. I woke up at five to pee and when I wiped? More blood mixed with old blood. Damnit. I headed to the living room to tell dh, who promptly set me up on the couch near him. The doc had said the call if it filled a pad but it was no where near as bad as Thursday and never filled a pad but it was still terrifying. Not ER worthy and not even doc phone call worthy but still, just no. No good. I listened to baby girl with the doppler and she sounded good so I went back to sleep. What else could I do? When I woke up a few hours later I did what any good IFer does; I researched. What is going on with me and my baby? Is she gonna make it? Did I do something wrong? Is there something is can do to make it right?

How do I protect my little miracle who I love more than I ever thought I could love anything who I haven't even met yet?

After hours of reading, I am fairly convinced this is an SCH. Now, I know I am no doctor, but I can read and identify symptoms and I have every single one. It all makes sense. What is really concerning thpugh, is that while most SCH resolve on their own and things end up ok, sch in 2nd tri offers a less optimistic outcome. They often end in stillbirth or miscarriage. That being said, I haven't had an u/s since 9 weeks so it's possible it's been there the whole time as opposed to having just developed. Either way, it's scary and I'm terrified things are going to keep going downhill.

I'm so scared I'm gonna lose my little girl.

So here I lay, on bed rest, knowing that there are no studies that say it helps but knowing that it is the only thing I can do to feel like I am doing something to help my little girl. I listen to her quickly every day (DH asked the OB if it was ok and he said it was) just to reassure myself that she's still with me because now, every flutter, every twinge is terrifying. Things that used to reassure me that she is growing, now make me scared that something is wrong. Everything freaking scares me and it sucks. I can't get back to my happy place. :(

Pregnancy is freaking scary.