Wonky Cycle

I didn't expect that after being on BCPs for two months to have a perfectly normal cycle the first month off but I had hoped it wouldn't be too off. Silly me for being hopeful! I am currently on cd 21 and according to my temps, I still haven't O'd! I usually O between cd 10 and 12. I thought maybe I had O'd on cd 18 because I had a lot of pain and pressure on my left side but my temps just aren't reflecting that. Sigh. I guess I just need to tap an extra vein of patience and wait it out!

In the meantime I am starting up all of my holistic stuff again. I kind of went into a "what does it matter, we can't do IVF anytime soon," phase and wasn't paying attention to what I was putting in my body! Kind of pouty and immature, I know, but I really needed to just throw my hands up! (I was even slacking on our fund raiser promotion) Now I am back on my healthy diet and spearmint tea regiment, along with PNVs and pregnitude. Hey, my AMH went up on this regiment so I was obviously doing something right! Whenever we are able to get our IVF on, I want my body to be prepared!

Kind Gestures

Since we have been at a standstill for moving forward with IVF, I find myself in funks more and more often. But yesterday, a good friend offered something that really brightened my day and made me feel like I can look to the future with more positivity and hope. My tattoo artist (yes, I have a lot of them, see pics below) texted me yesterday to say that he and his girlfriend have been talking a lot about how to help us out and then offered to throw us a fundraiser at his shop and art studio! He said they have been throwing ideas around for weeks and are thinking of BBQ and auction!

I was completely blown away by such a kind gesture and am excited to feel like I am actually doing something to help move us towards our goal. Although people do read my public blog and we have gotten quite a few donations, they have tapered off, so this feels like just the thing to give us a boost. We don't have a ton of friends in the area but I am hopeful that some of our out of town friends will make the trip AND my tattoo artist has offered to pass out fliers and promote the fundraiser on his FB page (he has 800+ followers)!


**Welcome everyone from ICLW, if this is your first time visiting my blog, please feel free to look around**

My Heart Aches

*********Warning, Children Mentioned, not IF related***********



My heart is aching today. As I have talked about before on my blog, my DH and I used to be a huge part of his nieces' lives. The oldest's dad died when she was young and DH and I always tried to fill that space in her life. The younger one's dad (who was my SIL's dealer) was in prison for the a few years and even after he got out, he has not been a part of her life. Up until last summer, we were a part of everything they did, saw them almost every day and even had our older niece at our house at least one weekend a month. Last summer, we discovered that my SIL was using drugs again (after six years sober) and found out that it was pretty bad. We decided that, rather than call CPS, we would take the girls for a few days, in an attempt to get my SIL to see that she needed to get clean again. The girls were grateful. My SIL was not. Although she told me she understood why we did it, she stopped all communication with us (once she was clean and we returned the girls to her) and has not allowed us to see the girls. It has been very hard on me, especially during bad IF times. Prior to losing them, I always told myself that at least I had them. Now that I don't, bad IF days meld together with missing them and it makes it especially difficult.

Although we missed our younger niece's birthday last year due to this whole debacle, we assumed that my SIL would get over it soon and it wouldn't be long before we got the chance to see the girls again. Now that it's been over a year, I am taking especially hard that I won't even be able to wish her a Happy Birthday on Friday. I miss both girls so much it makes me tear up and my throat starts to feel like it is closing up, whenever I think about them. I am sending her a birthday present, that I have been shopping for all day, but I'm having a hard time even picking something out, because I don't even know what she likes anymore and I am afraid that my SIL will intercept it and not tell our niece the present is from us.

At this point, I feel like at least if I send something, *I'll* know we sent her something and maybe one day I will be able to tell her (if her mom does indeed intercept it). My heart just hurts today. :(

Remembering Petey

Almost every day I think of what my friend Chickin went through and continues to go through after losing her Petey Nugget. To me, it feels like it was only yesterday, it is hard to believe that today would have been Chickin's EDD.

On this day, and every day, I continue to remember Petey and all of the angel babies and carry them in my heart. I'm sending all my love and prayers for peace to Chickin, her husband and all the mommies and daddies out there with angel babies.

Going off the pill

Well, after two months of being on the pill and enduring nausea and headaches every single day, I decided go off it. Last Monday, I started having breakthrough bleeding that just won't let up and since we don't know when we will be able to start IVF, it seems silly to keep suppressing and enduring the side effects for no reason. I called my RE's office this morning and they said it was ok (good think cause I took my last one Friday night).

The only problem is, I have no idea which day to call cd1 since I have been bleeding for a week! I guess I will say Saturday since I stopped the pill on Friday.

I can't help but allow a little hope to creep in that maybe being on the pill for a little while will jump start my body. Logically I know that if the eggs couldn't pass through my scar tissue on medicated cycles, one isn't going to on a natural cycle but, I would rather have a tiny bit of hope each month than just be on BCPs!