Do You Believe in Signs?

I am a baseball fan, which naturally makes me a superstitious person. I do not wear my team's logos on a game day because every time I do, they loose. I scold the announcers from the comfort of my couch when they "curse" the team by saying someone hasn't made a mistake, yet and I don't allow hubby to shave his face if we get into the playoffs. (Those are just some of the baseball superstitions I follow)

***fantasy babies mentioned***

So when odd things happen in the course of the rest of my life, I perk up and pay attention. Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a half conscious dream that these two little follies, growing inside me, turned into two little girls. We named them Olivia and Charlotte and over the course of my dream I went from being pregnant to delivering these little sweeties with my departed sister, Julie, in the delivery room with me and DH. She was standing by my knee, giving me a pep talk and cheering me on. (On a funny note, I recall thinking it was very strange we were in a delivery room with twins. It would have been much more likely that we would be in the OR for a c-section, but whatever!)

***fantasy baby discussion over***

About a month ago, I also had a strange experience involving my sister. I was having a particularly stressful day and could not fall asleep. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind (including the usual fear that we will never have a baby) and I was laying on my side with my arm outstretched when I felt the pressure of someone holding my hand. In my mind, I saw my sister's face and she just said, "Everything is going to be ok." In all the time since she died, I have never had an experience like this. I even tried to move my hand and flex my fingers but the pressure of someone grasping my hand was still there.

I know many people are skeptical of interactions with people in the afterlife and I have been on the fence about whether or not the encounters people talk about are real or just a figment of someone's imagination. But this sure felt real to me and it felt like a sign. Not just a sign that all the stressful things in my life will work out but a sign that we will, someday, have a baby.

What is your opinion on the subject of signs? Either signs from people who have passed or just strange unexplainable things that happen over the course of every day life?

Conflicted and Excited?

I arrived early for my appointment with the RE today and sat in the car for a few minutes, checking my work email and looking at my weather app to see what was in store for me on my drive back home, because we have had some huge downpours, and it kinda just hit me. Really? This is my life? Dates with the dildo cam and catheters and at least three other people involved in the actual creation of just one child? Other people just get to put part A into part B and BAM! Pregnant. But noooooooooo, not this girl. I realize that I'm a little far into this journey of infertility to just now have this epiphany but seriously? Where's Ashton? Am I being punked?

Sigh. I got out of the car and went in to sit in the RE's waiting room, rather than sit inside my head inside my car. But when I got to the waiting room, what to my wandering eyes did appear but a young pregnant women with a three or four year old little girl clinging to her legs. WONDERFUL. And you'll never guess what happened next. My nurse came out to get me with a baby CLINGING TO HER HIP. I shit you not, ya'll. A baby. On my nurse's hip. I gave her the areyoufuckingkiddingme look and she said, "Sorry! He's a patient's baby!" Yeah, that makes it better. I do understand that sometimes you have to go to the doctor and you don't have someone to watch your children and these children were probably conceived at my clinic, which is awesome, it just didn't make me feel very good. Call me selfish. I was not pleased. I put on my best fake smile and proceeded into my little room and prepared myself for my date with Mr. Dildo Cam. 

When my doctor came in I explained to him that I have been having periods from hell and he pretty much shrugged it off as the medication actually working and proceeded with my ultrasound. I was lying on the table thinking: Ummmmmm, what? My uterus has turned into a beast from hell that feels like it's trying to claw its way out of my body because the medication is working? Huh? What the fuck? 

I am actually a pretty terrible advocate for myself when it comes to talking to my doctors. To be perfectly honest, they intimidate the hell out of me. I mean, I'm a smart gal, but there's something about the white coat and the Latin words the wearers of the white coats pronounce with ease that throw me and I loose my ability to speak up (if you knew me IRL you'd find that hard to believe as I am very rarely intimidated by anyone). Interestingly enough, what got me to speak up is the fact that I realized that some of my fellow Dreamers and TB gals would tell me that I had to! It was like my internet friends were standing behind me giving me that little shove I needed to speak up.

As soon as my RE was finished dictating everything to my nurse (cd3 lining at 4.5, two follies on the left at 10 and 11 and eight follies on the right under six) I said: this is not due to the medication. This pain I'm having is because my endometriosis is worsening. I haven't had a lap in 8 years and I think it is time for another one. 

He took a little time to look back through my chart and then said that what he thinks we should do is go ahead with this cycle, as planned. He said that since I've recently had a birthday that is putting me close to being AMA (thanks for reminding me) and considering the fact that I already have two good follies growing, there is no point in canceling what could be (another) perfect cycle. If it doesn't work and my angry uterus continues to try and kill me (my words not his) then we will have a sort of WTF appointment and schedule a lap and discuss IVF (I wanted to ask him if he was buying but nodded instead). 

So, there we have it! I'm going for IUI #3! And I'm praying that the third time will be the charm! I'll start my Circle+Bloom meditations tonight, along with 10mg Femara through cd5 with my follie scan on cd10 (next Wednesday) and if all goes well, trigger next Wednesday night and have my IUI next Friday! 

I am, however, conflicted about the high likelihood of an evil period from hell if this IUI doesn't work. DH was scared because I was in so much pain this past weekend and Monday and Tuesday. He kept wanting to take me to the hospital! Hell, I was scared. But, nothing was happening that hasn't happened before, so I knew that it would pass. For now, I guess, I need to let that fear go and focus on my developing follies.

On another note: Chickin and her husband need all of our love, support and prayers tomorrow (Thursday). Please join me in sending them courage, strength, love and peace. 

MIA

I feel terrible for missing most of ICLW and really have some catching up to do! Thank you to everyone who has taken some time to visit and comment! I've been MIA, but for a good reason!

This cycle has been a rough one and is making me question whether or not I can go through very many more. Due to my endometriosis, I have always had wicked bad cramps. When I was a teenager, my mom actually took me to the ER on more than one occasion because I was in so much pain. That is why my gynecologist recommended, when I was 16, that I go on the pill and stay on it until I was ready to get pregnant. Since 2009 when I went off bcps, I have not had too many horrific periods but these last four cycles have been close to unbearable.

(warning, I am about to get a little AF graphic)

My cramps start five or six days before AF even arrives and at times they are bad enough that I have to sit down for a little while. They are not just cramps in my uterus, I have back and leg pain too. Then, starting the night before AF arrives, I can't get out of bed, they are so bad. In the middle of the night or sometimes during the day, the vomiting, chills, hot and cold flashes and unbearable pain start and I bleed like a stuck pig. Tampons last for about an hour before they leak and pads overflow in about the same amount of time. 800 mg of ibuprofen doesn't diminish them one bit and I am in agony. This cycle, all this pain started Sunday and is just now letting up to the point where I can actually sit up and get some work done at the office but I am weak and nauseous and still in quite a bit of pain.

I have my baseline scheduled for two o'clock tomorrow but I am not too hopeful that my RE will be able to come up with anything to stop the pain.

I want to have a child more than anything. But when I am in this amount of pain, it is really hard to focus on anything positive and I often find myself thinking that this pain just isn't worth it!

Happy Feather Baby Friday

It has been a long day. I ran the office alone and packed up and shipped out orders like a pro. It makes me feel good but reminds me why I am happy to have such great employees! 

Now that the work day is over, I am very much looking forward to a heating pad and a lot of TV! Knowing this, I was shocked when DH just came back from taking one of the fur babies to the vet and said, "Don't go sitting down just yet, you have some work to do! Please grab the box out of the car."

I. Was. Annoyed. 

Until I looked in the box and saw...... baby chicks!

Yay! I love baby chicks! They are layers, of course, set to join our flock of four (Rocky, Mountain, High and Yeeeee) aging chickens that only lay once a week now because they are getting too old. Day. Made. (I'm easy like that) Now if only AF would arrive! 

Howdy!

Welcome, everyone from IComLeavWe! Thank you for visiting!

Things around here have been pretty boring because I have been on a cycle break, but I will be moving on to IUI#3 (possibly our last) this cycle. AF should arrive at any minute now so I will have my baseline next Monday or Tuesday and stay on the same protocol: Femara + Pregnyl Trigger/Boosters + IUI#3!

I plan to talk to my doctor, once again, about my CP's and short LP to see if he will give me some other kind of support besides Pregnyl boosters, but I don't think he will. I am learning more and more that my clinic is very cookie cutter-ish, which works for some people but obviously isn't working for me. This is the only clinic in our area that my insurance covers. At this point, I figure I will continue with them until coverage runs out and if we are able to continue treatment, we will move to another clinic. (Which is a BIG if, because we don't have the financial means, but you never know. I buy lottery tickets!)

I had planned a nice big blog post today but had both my employees call in sick. So today, I am running our call center and shipping room by myself! Ah!!!! (with cramps, btw) I hope to get another post in later today.

The Biggest Throat Punch Ever

I have often found myself surprised by how much I have connected to a group of women I have never actually met. Perhaps it is because we are in the IF closet, but the people I am closest too, at this point in my life, happen to be people I have never met IRL before. With these women, who I have only virtually "met" via the Internet, I share my hopes, dreams, disappointments, failures and aspirations and they share theirs with me.

We have created a virtual web of support for one another, that sometimes is the only thing that gets some of us through a bad day. We share in each other's happiness and the excitement that comes with the news of fast growing embies and frosties  and despite our own struggles, we are truly elated for those who finally get that positive test. I, for one, get so excited to tell my DH when one of my fellow bumpies or IDOB ladies has gotten a positive test! It's gotten to the point where he can tell, just by looking at me because of the smile on my face. It might as well be my own, because it feels like that much of a triumph.

******loss mentioned*********

We also share in each other's pain. The BFNs. The lack of frosties. A failed transfer. A miscarriage. We carry each other's pain in our hearts too. And yesterday, the news that one of our own will loose her baby in utero has shaken us all to the core. This person is one of the kindest people I have "met." She is always there to offer a helpful comment or some words of encouragement and is truly remarkable. While she and I have never spoken on the phone, or had a private messaged conversation, I have felt a strong connection to her and since joining these online communities have spoken of her to my DH often. When she got her BFP after years of trying and finally moving to IVF, I was elated for her and over the weeks of her pregnancy have followed her blog religiously and have carried her in my heart. While many of the women who get their BFPs lurk and think of the rest of us often (which we love and appreciate), she has still been a presence, every day. Checking up on all of us and still offering encouragement and support. It has meant so much to all of us, that she hasn't forgotten us or left us behind.

When I read the news, yesterday, that there was a problem with the baby, I literally lost my shit at my desk at work. I cried and prayed for her and her husband and their little one, that it was a mistake. I told my husband that this wasn't fair, that this can't happen to such good people who have tried so hard to make this baby. Then when I read the news that the baby won't make it, I wanted to scream. After everything she has gone through, she has to go through this too? It's practically unfathomable and more than ridiculously unfair. There are no words to describe how terrible this is. I have been thinking about and praying for this women, her husband and their baby non-stop since I read this terrible news. I am sending them peaceful thoughts and love from afar and ask you to take a moment to do the same.

Having experienced a massive loss in my life, when my sister was murdered (while it is not even remarkably comparable, it's all I have to compare it to), I understand that there is nothing any of us can actually do to make this situation better. The pain of a loss like this is not something that will just go away. It is the first thing you think of the moment you wake up in the morning and the last conscious thought you have before drifting off to sleep at night. But, because I feel the need to do SOMETHING, I wanted to share with everyone some articles on how to be there and what you can say (and should not say) to help if you find yourself in this situation. I believe the IF community is a sensitive one and most of these things are what we already know. But to be the most sensitive and supportive people we can be, to someone, when they have experienced something this tragic and horrible is of the utmost importance. The following are links to resources I have found online, to help all of us help our friend's cope.

http://www.naturalfertilityandwellness.com/what-you-should-and-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-baby/

http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/when-the-worst-happens-helping-a-friend-cope-with-pregnancy-loss/

Mischief

I don't think I actually O'd this cycle. Which really sucks. I had a few days of positive opks, very far apart, but never had real O pain, my temp hasn't risen and don't have my usual after O symptoms. B-U-M-M-E-R. Oh well, it's a natural cycle anyway so it's not like I was holding out much hope!

In other news, Mischief is living up to her name! We have a freezer on our back deck, behind the kitchen, because since we moved our business to our home we have no room for it. Last night, DH started laughing hysterically and I turned to see Mischief on top of the freezer, staring in our kitchen window! Crazy kid!

Pregnitude

I believe I have mentioned on here before that I am taking Pregnitude (http://www.pregnitude.com/). When I first started taking it, it without the support of my RE. In fact, he was pretty indifferent; he didn't think it would help but he didn't think it would hurt. So, I've been taking it twice a day for a few months now. I noticed that while during all my Internet sleuthing before I started taking it, that there were a ton of posts and discussions going on about trying it but not much about people who took it and whether or not they had any results. So, I thought I would put a little post together about my experinece so far.

I started taking Pregnitude in an unmedicated cycle in December 2013. I took it every day, twice a day. It does have a little bit of a sweet taste, even though they say it is tasteless. I ended up getting pregnant this cycle but it was a chemical pregnancy.

I continued to take Pregnitude in January-February 2014 during a medicated cycle. For the first time in my treatment history, I actually have TWO perfect follies. When my RE saw them, he asked me again what else I was taking besides Femara and I reminded him that I had started Pregnitude. He said that for some women, it is a waste of money but for me, it seemed to have improve my egg quality. Woo hoo! This cycle ended in what I believe was another CP although I don't have doctor's confirmation on this one.

Now, in my Febraury-March 2014 I am once again unmedicated and taking Pregnitude every day, twice a day. I am currently in my TWW and will update on how this one goes!

Cycle Breaks, Birthdays and Thoughts on Adoption

Since we are on a cycle break, I am not paying attention to my cycle very much. While cycle breaks suck, I like them for this very reason. They give me the chance to go back to living a "normal" life.

On medicated cycles, I am all consumed with everything ovulatory and pregnancy related. I obsess. I get crazed. I basically drive myself nuts googling and analyzing every single detail of my cycle. Quite frankly, it is exhausting. It takes a lot of work to be a crazy infertile!

On unmedicated cycles, I still take all my supplements, temp and monitor my CM but to much less of a psycho obsessed degree. I like being less crazed, but long for our next medicated cycle as I were a withdrawing addict, craving that next fix.

So, I was happy that my birthday happened to be in the middle of a cycle break. I decided to take the day off yesterday and watch movies with my DH and truly relax. We watched Dallas Buyers Club (loved it), The Hangover III (loved it) and Ender's Game (the book was better). We also went out to dinner with my MIL and had cookie dough ice cream cake! Delicious!

My MIL doesn't know of our struggles. She sometimes gets our mail and I am sure she has seen the return address from our clinic on letters from them. But she has very smartly never asked me (although she did mention something to DH once and he shut her down). She struggled with infertility as well and ended up adopting my husband and his sister (before being one of those women who had children of her own shortly after adopting). I am sure she would be understanding of our plight and the fact that she hasn't asked, lends credence to that, but I just haven't gotten up the nerve to tell her.

The conversation last night swung towards adoption, as a coworker of hers just adopted a child from Ethiopia. My MIL was talking about nature vs. nurture and how hard it was to raise two children who are so completely unlike you. And it made me so sad. For DH, adoption is not an option. I would LOVE to adopt but he is so dead set against it, it's not even open for discussion. It's funny, because you would like that someone who is adopted would happily open their arms to a child that isn't biologically their own. But DH's adoption experience was not a good one. His parents struggled with his nature. They couldn't understand why he couldn't be more like them and were not equipped to deal with a child who behaved in ways they couldn't comprehend. His inquisitive nature and eagerness to learn, coupled with his energy level was too much for them. They medicated him as ADHD (which he is not) and although it was recommended that he skip two grades because he was so bored in school, they did not allow it because they thought it would be unfair to his sister.

DH is a genius (a Mensa Member, actually) and his adoptive parents are honestly only of average intelligence. They seriously could not stand the fact that he knew and understood more than they did and openly admit that now. Last night his mom actually said: "I could never trick him into doing anything! It was infuriating. He always knew what I was trying to do, even at three!" Once they had their own biological children and they saw how different DH was from their own children, they ostracized him. By 15 he was a ward of the court. His dad actually told the judge that they never should have kept him and the judge in turn told his dad that he was a horrible parent who didn't deserve my DH. At 15 my husband started living on his own.

He has said many times that his experience might actually make him a better adoptive parent, because he would have a better understanding of the natural differences and know to adjust his parenting accordingly. But he doesn't want to take that risk. He is also worried that we could still get pregnant with a biological child after adopting, which is what he feels was the biggest obstacle with his parents. Once they had their own kids, that is when they really realized the differences and they treated him and their biological children differently.  He just isn't willing to risk it.

I'll tell you what, during all my early childhood education classes in college, when it came to the nature vs. nurture argument, I put a lot of stock in the nurture argument. I believed that nurture could overcome nature. After having met my DH and heard his story I find that nature is a powerful thing and no amount of nurturing will overcome a person's inherent nature and I am thankful for that. There's no way I would be with my DH if his adoptive parents had won that debate and he had become more like them!

So, here we are! Me at 34 getting close to the AMA mark, without adoption as an option. Fortunately I have approval from my insurance company for IUI #3 so we will be doing that next cycle and keep our fingers crossed that it will work!