Caught Off Gaurd

When I go to certain websites or go out in public or go to any venue where I know there will be pregnant women or babies, I take a deep breath and gear up for it. I prepare myself. I put my shield up so that it won't bother me as much to see what I so badly desire. It helps me get through any event or FB browse without feeling sad, if I am expecting it. I was not expecting to be shopping online last night and see pregnant models modeling maternity clothes in the sale section of The Loft.

My birthday isn't for another couple of months but The Loft is having a huge sale that ends tonight and my mom wanted to get my some new clothes for my birthday. She texted me and asked me to go to theloft.com and go to their sale section and pick out all the stuff I would like for my birthday present from her. It was so sweet because a lot of their stuff is expensive and she knows I can't afford new clothes right now, so off I went to shop away. When the page loaded, I was shocked to see that mixed in with all of their sale items for regular clothes were there maternity clothes. And not just maternity clothes, maternity clothes worn by pregnant models rubbing their bellies or caressing them in that motherly way. I was equally caught off gaurd by my reaction, which was to start crying. Why did I have to endure this when I was just trying to shop for my birthday gifts? I tried to change the search settings so that it didn't keep showing these women, to no avail. I wish my computer had some kind of scanning device that would show a popup warning me that I would encounter pregnant women or babies, before I go to a page!

I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I am so envious of women who are pregnant or have little babies, but I can't help myself. If I am not prepared ahead of time, pain hits me like a brick wall and I want to crawl into bed and just cry it out. IF sucks.