Just needed to laugh

PMS sucks and I am just kind of off today. I am definitely out so I am just waiting on AF's abhorrent pain to wrack my body on Friday so I started looking at those funny ecards about IF and some of them made me actually laugh out loud! I thought I would share them for anyone else who just needs a laugh today.

Hello from 6dpo!

Phew, it has been a little while! So, I am 6dpo and having back ache and a funky pulled muscle feeling to the right of my belly button. It's probably something very normal and non implantation related so I am choosing to ignore it. I am strangely calm and not at all itching to test this cycle, which probably stems from the fact that it's a natural cycle so nothing's doin'. Fertility Friend dive give me cross hairs but it is an app on a phone so what does it know? I am looking forward to my IUI next cycle and hoping that this pregnitude did something to help improve egg quality and give us a better shot of getting KU!

On the fun side of things, we got two new goats and THEY are pregnant! I am super excited and they are the cutest little goaties I have seen in a long time! :) I cannot wait til the end of March, when they are due to see their cute little 2 lbs babies! I love the spring when we have all kinds of baby animals running around, although we've kind of gone from fall to spring around here so it already seems likes the babies should be here! So, without further ado, introducing, Mischief and Mayhem (or M&M, thanks Cici!):

Postive OPK!

Doing a little happy dance up in here! I got a positive opk on an unmedicated cycle! AND I had O pains last night and this morning that were just as strong as the ones I have on medicated cycle. I am hoping that the pregnitude and multitudes of other vitamins, teas and foods I have been ingesting may have actually helped an egg mature. It's a loooooooooooooong shot, but a shot none-the-less.

I also got approval from my insurance company for an IUI next cycle, so even if this cycle doesn't work out, there is always that. I just hate that I am two months from my 34th birthday and five years in to TTC and we still don't have a baby so it feels good to know we are going to move forward. Again.

Caught Off Gaurd

When I go to certain websites or go out in public or go to any venue where I know there will be pregnant women or babies, I take a deep breath and gear up for it. I prepare myself. I put my shield up so that it won't bother me as much to see what I so badly desire. It helps me get through any event or FB browse without feeling sad, if I am expecting it. I was not expecting to be shopping online last night and see pregnant models modeling maternity clothes in the sale section of The Loft.

My birthday isn't for another couple of months but The Loft is having a huge sale that ends tonight and my mom wanted to get my some new clothes for my birthday. She texted me and asked me to go to theloft.com and go to their sale section and pick out all the stuff I would like for my birthday present from her. It was so sweet because a lot of their stuff is expensive and she knows I can't afford new clothes right now, so off I went to shop away. When the page loaded, I was shocked to see that mixed in with all of their sale items for regular clothes were there maternity clothes. And not just maternity clothes, maternity clothes worn by pregnant models rubbing their bellies or caressing them in that motherly way. I was equally caught off gaurd by my reaction, which was to start crying. Why did I have to endure this when I was just trying to shop for my birthday gifts? I tried to change the search settings so that it didn't keep showing these women, to no avail. I wish my computer had some kind of scanning device that would show a popup warning me that I would encounter pregnant women or babies, before I go to a page!

I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I am so envious of women who are pregnant or have little babies, but I can't help myself. If I am not prepared ahead of time, pain hits me like a brick wall and I want to crawl into bed and just cry it out. IF sucks.

Not at all IF related

I Love Cocks! (not in an IF related way)

Estabon

I seem to write only of my struggles with IF, but I am not just a women struggling with IF so I thought it would be nice to write a little about me, my quirkiness and obsessions that aren’t IF related.

I have an obsession with The Bloggess and as a result, an obsession with Big Metal Chickens which turned into a cock obsession. 

**children mentioned (not mine, obviously)**

A few years ago, when I was a nanny for my nieces and my husband had a job and we weren’t forking over arms and legs for IF treatment, I went shopping at Ross a lot. Most of the time it was just to give me and my, then 3 year old, niece something to do during the day. After a fun day of shopping I would come home with some pretty ridiculous stuff, because Ross has such an eclectic mix of things and they are ridonkulously cheap. DH was getting a little annoyed with my purchases but couldn’t complain much because a) we did have the money and b) the things I bought were so cheap. Prior to one of our shopping jaunts I was talking to DH about how we needed new dishes (because apparently the set I had bought a month prior just weren’t cutting it) and he kinda lost his shit. “You just bought dishes a month ago! No more friggin dishes!” was his rationale. Sound and to the point, but in truth, it kinda pissed me off that he was basically forbidding me from buying something. So, off my niece and I went the next day, to Ross where I saw about 100 sets of dishes that were absolutely perfect for my house, that I couldn’t buy. Suddenly, my niece saw this horrible and amazingly wonderfully gaudy wooden rooster and pointed it out to me, “Uncle would LOVE that” she said between giggles. We have chickens and roosters at our ranch, with whom my niece often played and in her little mind, because they were messy, they belonged solely to my husband. It was only $14.99 and it wasn’t dishes! So, of course, I bought it.

I am not a collector of things, I don’t have a themed house or kitchen but the deal was too good not to pass up, AND my DH would not approve (hey, it wasn’t dishes)! When I came home that evening, Ross bags in hand, my DH watched expectantly as I pulled out my purchases and started removing tags. I could tell he was waiting for me to pull out dishes and was gearing up for a fight and his whole body seemed to relax when he saw that all I got were some dish towels and a sweatshirt and something smallish that I left in the bag. “That’s for you.” I said, pointing to the bag. “The baby thought you would LOVE it!” I had taken a video on my phone of our niece telling him that she picked this item because she thought he would love it and showed it to him. When he opened the bag he just looked at it, like WTF? And walked away. I had been hoping for a bigger reaction but got nothing! So I pulled out the wooden cock and told him that I was going to name it Estebon and display it on my bakers rack for the whole world to see. He barely cracked a smile. BUMMER! 

That night, while browsing facebook a friend posted a link to this: And that's why you should learn to pick your battles. I could have died, I was laughing so hard. In what universe do two women buy hideous cocks for the same purpose? Thus began a long running joke and obsession. I now collect cocks of all shapes and sizes (mostly from Ross) and get the most hideous ones gifted to me, including my very own desktop Beyonce, a lighted Christmas peacock and metal chickens for my yard.

My desktop Beyonce

My lighted Christmas PeaCOCK

More cocks joined Estabon shortly after his arrival.

Yard cocks (a Ross find)

My yard Peacock. Her neck is springy so she bobbles her head when the wind blows. Awesome! This was a Target find. I giggled my way to near hysterics at the check out stand when the clerk looked at me like I was nuts.

Not IF Related (Just need to get it out)

My Sissy (May 1, 1969 - January 9, 2007)

Every year for the past seven years, I have hated this day more than any other. Seven years ago, January 8th was the last day of a "normal" existence for me because seven years ago on January 9th, my oldest sister was murdered. Seven years ago on January 8th I thought that losing a sibling was a horrific thing that only happened to other people. I would hear stories on the news or hear of someone's sister or brother dying from another source and think that it was a tragedy. I thought that it was something awful that only happened to other people and could never happen to me. But then it did happen to me. On January 9th, 2007 I got a phone call in my classroom from the front office, telling me that my husband was there to see me. At 11:08 in the morning. There was no other reason he would be there but to give me bad news and I knew right away something was horribly wrong. My poor husband had to tell me that my sister had been murdered and it changed my life forever. It changed me forever. 

I lost my best friend.

My sister was amazing. She was a Child Psychologist who specialized in Autism and Special Education. She had an enormous affect on every life she touched, in a wonderful way. She was hilarious and kind and generous and loving. She made everyone around her feel loved and had a special way of brightening your day, just by seeing her infectious smile. She wasn't perfect, she had some issues and she was difficult at times but she was my sister and because she was 11 years older than I am, she was like my second, super cool mom. I miss her. I miss her every single day. Even more so since I started going through IF. She could not have children of her own, she struggled with IF for years and it was a horrible, life altering struggle for her. It changed her and I didn't understand it at the time but now I wish more than anything that she were still here just so I could tell her that I finally understand how and why she was so crazy sometimes. I finally understand why she was bitter towards my other sisters when they got pregnant so easily. I finally understand her need to avoid the topics of pregnancy and babies and why she was so incredibly livid when our cousin had an abortion. I understand the anger and pain that she felt and I am pissed that I couldn't understand it then and am pissed at myself for not trying harder to put myself in her shoes so I could be her shoulder to cry on. 

My sister and her husband ended up adopting a beautiful little boy and I am grateful for the joy he brought her and the happiness she was able to experience, in having him, for a few years before she died. I just wish she could have had more time with her son. I wish she could have had more time on this earth.

Tomorrow, I mourn the loss of my sister and an amazing life cut short. Today I mourn the loss of a life lived without the tremendous pain of not having my sister.

More waiting...

Well, it would appear that I am stuck waiting. Again. There will be no medicated IUI this cycle because the woman that does the insurance at my RE's office is apparently a di-ti-ti and gets distracted by butterflies and squirrels and cannot do her job. Last cycle, when I called my RE's office I had already planned on taking a break so I just reported my BFFN and asked that they get approval for my next IUI for this cycle. They said that of course they would and that I should just call when I next got AF. Well, I called today to schedule my cd3 u/s and found out that, oops! They forgot to get approval so I have to wait for another cycle. I wanted to reach through the phone and TP the insurance person! My nurse called me back to apologize, which was nice of her, but when she said that this happens a lot because their insurance gal isn't always on top of things, I wanted to say: "Then someone needs to be fired." Instead, I just graciously accepted her apology and said I understood and blah-dity blah blah blah. Come on, really? The clock is ticking and I am sick of waiting. Also, I *might* be a tiny bit pms-y. 

Chemical Pregnancy

When I got up on Monday, 9dpo, I ran straight for the bathroom and of course grabbed a stick to pee on. Since Sunday's test was a BFN and being that it was only 9dpo, I peed away, put the stick on the counter and started getting ready for my day without looking at it. Imagine my shock and surprise when I finally remembered the pee stick and there was a faint, pink, second line! I, of course, did what any sane women who is struggling with IF would do: I grabbed another test and peed on a second stick. With the second stick, I stared at it the whole five minute time frame and watched the line develop. It wasn't dark but I could clearly see it, without holding it in six different light sources or standing on my head with the stick tilted just the right way. I felt a little excitement but I was cautious and although I wanted to, I didn't tell my DH yet. I proceeded to pee on two more sticks that day and four more the next (10dpo). All had faint, but definitely there, lines. I got online and checked the batch numbers on my tests and no one has said they've had any problems with them. So I was allowing myself to get a little more excited, but I was still cautious. REALLY CAUTIOUS. The line wasn't getting darker. I asked Dr. Google if that was normal and came up with two responses: sometimes their isn't enough dye in the test to allow it to get darker (*insert buzzing sound here*) but my test's control lines were strong and dark, OR it was a CP. Keep testing! Everything said. So I did. On 11 dpo the second line was lighter. Boo. I had to move the test strip around to catch a glimpse of it and by the last test I  took last night, there was no line at all. This morning's test on 12dpo? BFN. Not a hint of a line.

I had a moment where I told myself this was actually a small victory. I actually got pregnant. But that was short lived because then I reminded myself that my body still failed at maintaining a tiny human life.

I called my nurse and she sounded like she was gonna cry and said it sounded like a CP to her. She asked if I wanted a beta to confirm and I said no. So, AF should come tomorrow and I'll see my RE on Monday. I am trying to just move it from my mind. My pregnitude and spearmint tea came today and as soon as I get through with the hell AF will wreck on my body tomorrow, I will be on my way to IUI #2. And maybe this one will work.