Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and made it through the day with as few tears as possible. I thought, going into Christmas, that I would be good, due to the fact that we would not have any little ones present but alas, my MIL could talk about nothing else but her co-worker who just pops babies out like a rabbit and my BIL's upcoming engagement and need to get his future wife KU right away. I wanted to put my hands over my ears!

My DH and I had a humble but very nice Christmas. We agreed on no gifts, but I couldn't help myself. He lost his job last year and our business is struggling so any extra money we have goes to IF treatments but I have had a little money squirreled away and used it to buy him an iPad. He, in turn, made me a beautiful glass sculpture (he is a glass blower) of me holding a big huge heart, which he says is his heart. :)

So, anyhoo, I haven't been posting much because I am taking a break this cycle. I have not temped and did not use opks so I don't know if I O'd or not. I had been doing really well not focusing on TTC until I started having O pains. My body, apparently, didn't want me to stop paying attention to its every twinge and I started getting a little obsessy but I am keeping it under control for the most part. I ordered Pregnitude and Spearmint tea (to help with lowering my androgen levels) and when AF arrives next Friday I will be ready to go for my next IUI. The big #2. At this point it looks like we will only be doing three with my last one falling right around my 34th birthday (if we need it). After that, I don't know what we will do.

It has become a distinct possibility that we may not continue with treatment after IUI #3. Due to our company's financial woes, I am not taking a paycheck and we do not have enough money in savings for IVF and a child. It's a bit of a catch 22: use the savings for IVF and not have money when a child arrives or don't use the money and still, have no child. I have begun to ponder the idea that this just may not happen for us at all. We may never have a child and while I am not ok with that, I feel like I would be making our lives worse overall by insisting that we drain or savings for the chance of having a baby. Sigh. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, though, I will focus on not focusing on TTC!

A Little Time to Reboot

Other cycle breaks I have take in the past have not been self imposed and have been, in fact, loathed. This time, I have chosen this break. I could not allow my business, regular things in life and the holidays compete with TTC and treatment. And so far, it's been going really well! I am not temping, not checking my CM, have no plans to opk and the DH and I are BDing when we want to as opposed to when we have to, which makes it much, much more fun! I am not worried about what my CM is like before we start and whether or not I need to either give myself a helping hand first, or break out the preseed. I'm not thinking about whether or not DH's sperm will be ok, during and I am not standing on my head afterwards. So all and all, although I am losing a month by not really trying to get KU, I think I am gaining a lot in that my mind and heart are more at ease without all the TTC stuff taking up so much space and energy.

I didn't think I would actually be able to take a step back and not get all crazy brained but it hasn't been as difficult as I thought. Interestingly enough, I only realized that today is cd 8 because I got on TB and saw my own ticker!

Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory!

I don’t actually feel like writing a blog post today but for some reason I feel a strange obligation to do so. Maybe it’s because I really write these more for myself, like a journal. Maybe I’ll feel a little better when I write this all out.

I’ve snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Everything was pretty much perfect for this IUI. Even my frame of mind: I was the Queen of Positive Thinking. DH’s sperm count was through the roof and I had one perfect, and one pretty damn close to being perfect, sized follie. But, alas, AF has arrived and despite my staring at every test, willing the line to get darker, they only got lighter and lighter with each cup of FMU.

The only real problem I had was the fact that during the time of implantation, me, my DH and our two employees had two days to move everything in our 3000 square foot warehouse 25 miles away to the warehouse my DH built on our property. It was stressful and physically exhausting. My life is pretty much always stressful and physically exhausting. I run a pretty big business. I have two great employees and my DH helps a lot, but at the end of the day, I make all the decisions and I run the company. And it’s a company that fell into my lap. Originally, I came to this company to help my SIL. Her husband passed away years ago and left the company to her. The person running the company was screwing her over royally and when she asked me to come work at the company for a little while between her firing the first person and finding a new person to run everything (she has no idea how to run a company), I of course said yes and dove right in. It was only supposed to be for a month or two. Now, two and a half years later, after investing our entire retirement to try to save the company, DH and I are owners and my SIL bailed. She had a problem with meth years ago but had been clean for five years when I started working for her. This summer with the help of her now incarcerated BF, she relapsed. It was awful. My DH and I had to take her children away from her. She had needles all over her house and hadn’t fed her children in days. She was involving them in her delusions (brought on by the intravenous meth use) and her friends called me in the middle of the night to tell me that she was in her attic pulling wires out of the walls because she was sure the FBI and police had bugged her home. Unbelievable and horrifying. On top of that, in her drug induced craziness, she sold the building our company used to occupy. We had only a few weeks to figure out where to go and how to do it.

So it’s been a little nuts. Life has been a little hectic. But lots of people’s lives are hectic and they still get knocked up, so why not me? At least that’s what I tell myself. My life isn't going to calm down any time in the near future. I have a company and 18 animals that depend on me. And I am not getting any younger, I'll be 34 in March! I don't have the time to wait for my life to be less stressful to create the ideal conditions for implantation, if that's where this one failed. Ugh. Will it ever work? I didn't finish with work in time to call the RE's office before they closed today so I don't think we will even be able to get in for my CD3 u/s. But I think I am ok with that. Maybe I just need a break for a cycle. A break that I have chosen.  No temping, no opking. Just a break. Maybe.

Dr. Google, tell me what I want hear

Call me the Google Queen cause this girl has been on a google search binge. My searches have included everything from, "BFP after BFN" to images of pee sticks woman have posted of the progression from the day after their trigger to a BFN to their BFPs. While there was a faint line on my test this morning (from the HCG trigger/boosters), I POAS after a four, almost five, hour hold tonight and it is stark white. Not even a hint of a line til after the test dried.  Yes, 10dpiui is still early. Yes, I could still get a BFP in a few days but I just don't have a good feeling. We moved our company to our home on Thursday and Friday and I think the stress of that and the physical exertion of moving a packed 3000 square foot warehouse in two days was too much for my body. Sad.

Update on the IUI

Well hello everyone! I've been MIA due to all the Holiday craziness and was away from my computer. It's pretty hard to post from my phone so sorry for the delay!

I had my first IUI last Wednesday 11/27/13 and it went really well. My RE said that he thinks both larger follies were in the running. :) And guess what? DH's sperm count was insane! 126 mil! We were pretty ecstatic and of course in true male fashion my DH stupidly said as we went to the car, "Well, I did my part, I guess it's just up to you!" Men. He didn't know and didn't mean to be a douche in saying that and I could tell that he immediately regretted the way it sounded so I just let it go.

So, now we wait. I am in a good place, listening to my meditations and trying to keep a positive mindset. I'm 6dpiui and have some cramping and had extreme nausea this morning but I am trying not to read too much in to that. For the moment, I am happy, optimistic and ready for this to have worked!