Words aren't adequate

******warning, loss mentioned********

I was planning a post for today on our cycle but something much more important has come up. I am sad to say that one of my dear friends lost her beautiful daughter, Rosa Kimberly, yesterday and delivered her today. I ask all of you to please say prayers to lift Rosa up to the Lord and to pray for peace and comfort for my dear friend and her husband during this unbelievably hard time.

The loss of a baby is not something anyone should have to experience. Ever. I am so deeply saddened by their loss. This woman is absolutely amazing and has been battling infertility like a true warrior for years, with her husband right there by her side. She is always there with encouragement and is always thinking of others and their journeys (even while in labor to deliver Rosa). She is a dear friend. She invited me to our FB group and helped to make it the amazing safe haven and support network it is and the difficulties that have surrounded my infertility journey have been made easier to handle because of her. The idea of her having to go through this, to have to feel this pain, is unbearable and unfair and just wrong. I want to be able to take some of that pain away, to shoulder it, just for a moment to give her some relief because I can't even begin to fathom how difficult this must be for her and her husband. 

I just keep shaking my head in disbelief and thinking, Why? Why could something so awful happen so such an amazing person and her amazing husband? How is this fair? Why, after having gone through so much with infertility, are she and her husband burdened with this pain too? I just don't know. I have no answers to those questions, except that it is just unfair.

One thing I do know for sure is that Rosa Kimberly is loved, cherished and will be remembered forever. I will always carry her in my heart and I hope you all will too.

I also know that all women who go through a loss can use support, and I know that sometimes it is hard to know what you should and shouldn't say to someone who is going through the loss of their baby so I wanted to share with you all two articles I found last year, when another friend lost her baby, that give suggestions on how to be the most supportive people we can be to our friends who have lost a baby. They are: 

http://www.naturalfertilityandwellness.com/what-you-should-and-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-baby/

http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/when-the-worst-happens-helping-a-friend-cope-with-pregnancy-loss/

Observations and Ramblings

Last night I took my last BCP and am waiting for a bleed that may or may not come. My doctor said I may spot or have a light bleed but during my HSC/Polypectomy he removed my lining so there may not be much to shed. Regardless, I have my baseline on Friday at 8:30 a.m.! That means I have to leave my house at 6:30 so I'll probably have to get up at 5:30.

Normally, that wouldn't be too much of a problem but I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, which I just today, realized is from the Lupron. I usually don't get into bed until I am tired and fall asleep within ten minutes. For the last week it has been taking at least an hour for me to fall asleep. Last night I got back up and watched TV for a while and then went back to bed because I was sick of tossing and turning.

At first, I didn't think I was having side effects from the Lupron since I had no headaches and didn't seem to be bloating much. But yesterday, I freaked out over something really small and today my jeans don't fit because of the bloat. For some reason, this is really bothersome to me. I was mentally prepared for side effects that didn't really seem to come last week. Now that they are very noticeable, I am very grumpy about them. (Also probably from the Lupron!)

I am also running out of injectable real estate. Years ago, I was 70 lbs overweight and worked very hard to get down to where I am now but where I am now means I don't have very much flab which means I don't have a lot of places to inject. Since I nicked a blood vessel yesterday, I have a huge bruise on my left side, taking up most of the flabby area I normally inject into. I don't know what I am going to do when I start stims on Saturday! I'll be doing three shots a day, where I am going to poke myself!?!

Despite those little worries, I am looking forward to my baseline and am staying positive that everything is going to look great and I will be able to start stims on Saturday!

It's a Bench Burning Party!

Exactly 351 days ago, I was benched. I had an odd cycle in which my former RE had me take my entire femara dose at one time because I already had a follie on each side at 11 at my baseline appointment. I thought it odd but went with it because at that point we knew we were on the IVF track and we were just trying one final hail mary IUI. 351 days ago, I went back for my monitoring appointment and had already ovulated. My RE pulled the plug and said IUIs weren't working and that IVF was the only way to go.

I remember being devastated. I didn't think we would ever get to where we are today. Our business was slowly growing, I didn't even take a paycheck at the time. I couldn't foresee a way for us to afford IVF but I was determined. I let go of my pride, came out of the IF closet and started fund raising and saving. We cut back on EVERYTHING. Cut the cable bill, stopped going out to eat, created a strict budget and stuck to it. We completely changed our lives and looking back (although some times it was really hard) it was so worth it because today, I did my first Lupron injection.

TODAY I AM OFFICIALLY BURNING THE BENCH! After 351 days I am finally cycling again. Finally moving forward with IVF. I'd be nervous if I wasn't so excited. As of this moment I am just letting go and going with the flow. I am not stressing about the what ifs, I am not worrying about whether or not it will work, I am just living in the happy excitement that we are finally doing this!

In other news I got to see the pictures from my surgery today. I had 6 polyps and two of them were pretty big. Also, I had a bunch of extra tissue in there. Apparently my body hasn't been expelling all of my lining each cycle and it's been building up like crazy. It was crazy to see the before pictures, my uterus looked like a mess but the after pictures were amazing, it looks all clean and smooth now! Pretty cool! Hopefully this will give any embies the chance to snuggle in nice and tight and enjoy the cleanliness!

Surgery is done!

Surgery went well and I'm so glad it's over. My anxiety last week leading up to it was out of control. Apparently I work up a sobbing ball of pain so they kept me longer to administer extra pain meds and gave me a prescription to take home.

I feel ok today, there's still cramping and pressure but no where near as bad as yesterday. I don't remember anything the doctor said except that he'd show me pictures of everything at my appointment on Tuesday. Hubs was just so happy to hear I was ok, he forgot to ask any questions so we'll have to wait and see on Tuesday what my cervix looked like and how many polyps I had. At least it's over!

Now, I am on to focusing on my lupron injections, doxy and baby aspirin which all start on Tuesday. Yipee!

Thank you to all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers!

AW: Obligatory Meds Pic

So this happened today: 

I am excited and nervous and it is all starting to feel very real! :)

As long as everything goes well with surgery on Friday, I'll be heading to Reno on Tuesday for injection training and for DH to provide his backup sample. Then we're off! I'll start Lupron, baby aspirin and doxy. Our second fridge looks like a pharmacy and it is very exciting!

1 week to go!

I had my pre-op blood draws today and took DH with me so he could get his HIV/STD panel done. They took NINE vials of blood from me, the vampires, and although the phlebotomist was really good, my arm is killing me now! 

I'm getting nervous about my hysteroscopy and polypectomy next week. I have this crazy irrational fear that the polyps are going to come back cancerous. It's worrying me so much I made DH promise that even if the polyps come back as cancer, we'd still go through ER before treating it. I have no idea why this is weighing so heavy on my mind, there's no reproductive organ cancer in my family history but I had an abnormal pap 12 years ago and had a cone biopsy done that came back with precancerous cells. Ever since Dr. W mentioned that the cone biopsy was probably the reason for the calcification on my cervix, I keep thinking about those damn pre-c cells. I also keep worrying that the calcification might lead to an incompetent cervix if I do get KU! I'm a bundle of worry!

DH just keeps saying we will know soon enough and then gives me a little pat on the head and says, then I can move on to worrying about lack of response or arresting embryos. He's right, there's always going to be something to worry about. The key is not allowing it to take over my every waking thought. So, I am going to try really hard to just go with the flow and not stress too much about anything but that's easier said than done!

I just keep trying to focus on how much fun I am going to have stabbing myself with needles! On a pretty awesome front, my parents were already planning on coming out from Texas for one of my neice's graduatiions and offered to come stay with us to help around the ranch during ER and ET. I'll be going to Reno a lot for appointments and then I'll have to rest up after ER so DH will have a lot of his plate, running the business and taking care of all of our animals so it will be really nice to have them here. I know my mom will do all the cooking and cleaning and dad will do all the heavy lifting (DH has degenerative disk disease so the heavy lifting is usually my job) so I will be grateful to have them here. Plus, DH can't do needles (he will literally pass out) so I thought I was going to have to do my own PIO injections, but my mom said she'd do them for me. She'll finally get a few jabs in as payback for my teenage years ;)