*vent* Feeling Down - Only slightly IF related

The BCPs are still kicking my butt. The nausea has passed but my breasts are huge and tender and I am one moody woman. It feels so counter intuitive to be on BCPs in order to try and get pregnant and although I totally understand the rationale and know I cannot get pregnant on my own, it is driving me nuts to be on these anti-baby pills! There is also this nagging concern in the back of my mind that we won't raise enough money in a month to do IVF, so I am worried that I am on them for nothing. What if they screw my body up even more?

I have been under an enormous amount of stress lately and I just have to get it out, so be warned there is a whiny, depressing venting session coming right... now. (I won't be offended if you want to skip this post)

My mom had foot surgery on Friday and is not doing well. She couldn't stop vomiting and couldn't keep her pain meds down so she was miserable and ended up in the ER on Friday for dehydration. My poor dad is trying hard to take care of her but apparently she is being difficult which is very unlike my mom. It's scaring me.

My MIL is being a pain in the butt about her divorce. It seems like everyone in my life just expects me to take care of everything for them and help them through all of their trials and tribulations, without a second thought as to what it means for me. I understand that divorce is difficult and that she really only has me as a sounding board but she overreacts about EVERYTHING and jumps to the worst case scenario immediately, in a complete panic anytime anything happens with her divorce. It is very hard to handle. I am trying to be patient and understanding and calm her nerves but at the same time I want to scream, Just because he asked for it doesn't mean he's going to get it (in regards to my FIL's demands). UGH!

We are in the slow season for our business and it is terrifying. We are just barely squeaking by and each new bill that comes in is stressing me out. I know that things will pick back up in the fall but it is hard to wait out the slow times. My husband's proposed solution to this is to just cancel our health insurance because "it doesn't cover your infertility stuff anyway." Um, what about our regular healthcare? This is not a solution. It poses more of a problem for me. I wanted to hit him with something when he suggested it.

***Children mentioned*** In DH's strange mind, inviting our neighbor's toddlers over should somehow make me feel better about my infertility. He's got it stuck in his head that having children around should cheer me up. Guess what? It doesn't. It's just annoying and I end up babysitting these kids while DH hangs out with their dad outside. All it does is remind me that we don't have kids.

I have long suffered from depression and recently realized that I am in a pretty serious slump. Last week, I only washed my hair once and I haven't cleaned the house or done laundry or made an actual real dinner in two weeks. I BBQ'd on Friday but that doesn't really count since I made no side dishes. These are signs to me that I am slipping, especially since I consider it to be a huge accomplishment to have done the dishes and taken a shower over the weekend. I had planned on cleaning the whole house but that didn't happen and neither did the yard work I had planned. I have a heart problem (SVT) and when I get stressed it really acts up. Even though my heart rate was only elevated twice this weekend, I used it as an excuse to basically do nothing all weekend. I recognize that sitting around and moping will only make things worse but I don't care. I'm stuck in a rut.

Remembering Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth

Two wonderful women (partners) from TB who fought long and hard to achieve pregnancy, lost their twins last Wednesday. While I did not get to know these women very well, my heart aches for them as they go through this difficult time. Today they are holding a vigil and the LGBT on TB is holding a virtual vigil as well. If you have a moment please take the time to say a prayer for them or send loving vibes their way.

SSG and ready for IVF

I had my repeat SSG yesterday and while it went well, the test took a long time and was very uncomfortable. I told my RE, when it was over, that the three words you should never say while looking inside someone's ute are "What is that?" which is exactly what he said! Everything was looking good until he saw a bulge at the back of my ute that measured 4cm x 7 cm. He and the nurse were baffled because they said it didn't look like a fibroid but there was definitely something there. He would push on it and it would go away. Look from other angles and couldn't see it. But every time he went to a certain angle, he could see it. After about 20 minutes of pushing, prodding and changing views, he had me change the position of my hips and the bulge disappeared. The only thing he could figure was that, in the position I had been in, I was somehow pushing my bowls or intestines up against my ute and it was causing the bulge. So, I have been cleared for IVF!

I also had my AMH bloodwork yesterday but won't get the results for a few days. Once the results are in they will give me my protocol so I can apply for the compassionate care program (they wouldn't process my app without my protocol) and look into donated meds.

I am getting a little discouraged about our fundraising, again, but had some good suggestions from friends about how to continue to promote it and even had a few ladies offer to share their stories so I can get more information out there and make the whole thing more personal. I like the idea of having other ladies share their stories while I promote our fundraising campaign so people can understand what we infertiles go through. I have found that while I am easily able to share my thoughts and feelings on this blog, it is a different story on my public blog. I often find myself at a loss for words out of the fear that people with judge me or will just plain not understand. I also don't want to be the person who clogs other's news feeds and makes people roll their eyes!

Liebster Award

Well! My good buddy, PackerFan4Life nominated me for the Liebster Award, a sort of GTKY-super special-blogger-chain-letter award and not only am I excited to get it, I am excited to pass it on and read everyone else's responses. I think it's nice to be able to get to know our fellow bloggers a little more, since we are so familiar with what goes on with one another's utes, ovaries and husband's sperm. So here we go!

The Rules:

1) Post 11 random facts about myself.

2) Answer 11 questions the awarding blogger has asked.

3) Nominate 11 blogs with less than 200 followers, add their links to this post and let them know they have been nominated.

4) Create 11 questions the nominated bloggers have to answer.

5) Post The Rules!

11 Random Facts About Myself

1) I love disaster movies. Twister, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, etc. I have an obsession. It stems from storm chasing with my dad when I was little. We would drive around the Detroit metro area chasing every possible tornado spotted and it was crazy fun. Most little kids would have been terrified but I am intrigued with the power of nature and love the adrenalin rush that comes when a big storm passes through.

2) DH was supposed to be a one night stand. I had to just moved from Ohio back to California three days before I met him and since I had just gotten out of a long term relationship, I just wanted to have fun. No such luck on my part, after our first night "hanging out" we were inseparable and became engaged six months later.

3) I am a fantasy novel junkie. Vampires, middle earth, the supernatural, I love it all. My favorite is when an author mixes it up and throws some vampires, werewolves, witches and magicians all in the same series. I'm often embarrassed to tell people because most people would think that since I am a former English teacher, I would prefer Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy to Charlaine Harris or Ilona Andrews but that is not the case! I think it's mostly because I read to escape so I want something entertaining.

4) I will not eat any creature that has lived in water. I find the idea of eating a creature that has spent its entire life living in (and sometimes eating) its own feces (and probably ours too) repulsive. I watch the shrimp in my fish tank and cringe at the idea of one of those little poop eaters coming near my mouth.

5) I am a recovering alcoholic and am proud to say I have six years sober. I went to a major party school for college and carried on partying long after. Six years ago I woke up to realize that I didn't like the person I had become and decided enough was enough. I quit drinking on my own and have not touched a drop since. 

6) I am a huge proponent of medical marijuana. I do not choose to partake myself but we have a dog with epilepsy and tried every possible medication to stop her from having seizures. Nothing worked, she was having two and three seizures a day, and we were to the point of discussing putting her down. Since our vet recommended trying edible treats (without THC) twice a day, she hasn't has been seizure free. If she misses a dose, she has one. I probably wouldn't believe it if I weren't a witness to it!

7) DH and I are considering moving to Montana and lately the possibility is what gets me through tough moments. I love California but it might be time for us to say goodbye to The Golden State. BUT I will forever be a Niners (oooooh Packer, I know you are cringing, lol) and Giants fan no matter where we live!

8) My all time favorite TV show is Grey's Anatomy.

9) I went to an all girls Catholic high school and LOVED it! If we have the option (assuming we have children some day) I will absolutely fight my husband to the death (ok, not really, I'd just withhold BJs for a while) if he objects to sending our children to same-sex high schools.

10) When I read things people write, or listen to them speak, I often find myself reciting relevant movie quotes in my mind. i.e. someone wrote "As you wish" on FB the other day and I went off for five minutes, quoting The Princess Bride, in my head! 

11) I make up songs about my animals and sing to them. My chocolate lab, Dakota, gets SUPER excited when I make up songs about her and prances around, wagging her tail like crazy.

The Question and Answer Section

1) Why do you blog?

I blog to get all the thoughts out of my head! I also blog to share with everyone research I have done and (I hope) to help others feel less alone about their struggle with IF.

2) What is your favorite way to relieve stress?

Honestly? Sex. I have found that if I am freaking out about something, a good roll in the hay will relieve tension and leave me feeling a lot more loved. Maybe it's just the connection with my DH or the physical activity involved, I don't know, but it works!

3) If you could choose one thing that you wish you could be better at, what would it be?

Exercising! I get a good workout taking care of all the animals on our ranch but I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything extra even though I know it would be better for me if I did.

4) What is your favorite thing about your life right now?

That I am married to such an amazing man. Despite everything that is happening in our lives, he is always right there with a hug or a supportive comment or just there to tell me I am beautiful. I don't know what I would do without him.

5) If you could quit your job for a year and do anything, what would you do?

TRAVEL! I would go back to Hawaii and Grand Cayman and even travel to Russia!

6) What is your favorite food?

Buttered popcorn with lots of real butter and salt. And a diet pepsi to wash it down. I would eat it for lunch and dinner every day if I didn't think it would eventually kill me.

7) What is the one thing that you really want to do, but you've been putting off?

Write a book. I have hundreds of ideas and many, many short stories that I could easily turn into a novel but I've never set aside the time to do it. Wait, maybe I should take back my answer to number 5!

8) What is your next travel destination (either for real if you have a trip planned, or a dream destination if you don't)?

We don't have a trip planned but I would love to go to Russia or Africa. DH and I have discussed it often and I hope some day we will get to go.

9) Do you have any pets, if so what pets do you have? Bonus points for pictures.

Oh yeah. I have 21 animals. Five dogs, six cats, three chickens (we used to have six but a fox into the hen house), five pygmy goats and two horses.

10) What technology could you not live without?

My iPhone! I do everything on it and use it at least fifty times a day.

11) What is your favorite book?

Right now I would have to say, Jodi Picoult's Lone Wolf. It was incredibly thought provoking.

Questions for the Nominees!

1) What is your favorite movie?

2) What is your best memory?

3) What is your greatest accomplishment?

4) Who do you admire?

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

6) What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet them?

7) Would you rather watch sports or play sports?

8) If money was no object, what would you do all day?

9) What is your greatest strength?

10) Do you prefer summer or winter?

11) If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?

And the nominees are:

I'm thieving this idea from Chickin! Packer and I have a lot of the same blog friends so rather than nominate the same blogs she did, I have fewer than 11! 

1) http://theseaofttc.blogspot.com/

2) http://in-due-time.com/

3) http://infertilegirlinafertileworld.wordpress.com/

4) http://birdsbeesandmeds.blogspot.com/

5) http://whereivebeenandwhereimgoing.blogspot.com/

ICSI and a Rough Few Days

My nurse called last Friday with the news that I would need to have a repeat SSG to check everything out and to let me know that my RE is recommending that we do ICSI due to my endometriosis.

I am not excited about a repeat SSG. My first one wasn't much fun (I know they aren't supposed to be "fun") and I am not looking forward to the painful uterine contractions again but what can you do? The doc wants to check out my insides, I drop my pants and say, "Check it out!" So, my SSG is scheduled for Monday. I do like that I feel like we are getting the ball rolling on IVF, so at least there's that!

As far as the ICSI, I was completely taken aback. I had completely disregarded the idea because we don't have any sperm issues so I balked when the nurse told me. She said that my RE was recommending it because of my endometriosis. Apparently, according to what she said, eggs from women with endo have what they refer to as "harder shells." Not the scientific term but a good way to describe it, I suppose. So, I spent most of the night Friday researching the use of ICSI for endo. I found some excellent resources (here's one) and am now convinced it is actually a really good idea for us. Obviously it adds more expense to our cycle, which stresses me out, but I believe it's worth it (or at least hope it will be).

The fundraising is going ok, donations have slowed down a bit, but the donations we have received have been such a blessing (and have been received by some AMAZING people), that I couldn't be happier with our results so far.

NIFR:

On a different note, I have been having some really difficult days. My in-laws are divorcing because my FIL is an adulterer. We have always known that he had an affair early on in my IL's marriage but he swore that he was a good, faithful husband ever since. Yeah, right. He's been carrying on with this woman for almost 20 years and my MIL found out. We also found out the age of the woman when the affair first began and it puts him in pedophile territory, which is horrifying. I am sick over it. All I have to say is that he will never, ever be around our children, if we are able to have any. Sadly, we also found out that he is including us in his divorce response and is trying to sue us for repayment for improvements he chose to make on a house of ours they lived in. He won't win, the laws here are very clear about improvements made on rentals without written consent for repayment but I am just beside myself. I don't know why I expected more from him, considering that he is a lying adulterer, but I did. It's just adding more stress to our lives that I don't need.

Fundraising Response

Well! The fundraising is going a lot better and I even decided to open a Zazzle shop at the suggestion of someone I don't know who sent me an email saying it worked for her! It's amazing how many people out there, who I don't even know, want to help out or at least share our story and offer encouragement. We even got a donation from someone who found my blog through TB and wanted to help out. When I got her donation, I actually cried. Pretty freaking amazing and thoughtful. I'm hopeful that if I keep at it, we will get there or at least get close enough to try and figure it out. My sister's are being really helpful too. They are trying to encourage people to donate just a little bit because if everyone does (they have massive FB friends lists) then we will reach our goal in no time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'll tell you what, though, these BCPs are kicking my butt! I am so nauseated and I have a headache and my ovaries are freaking out! So I hope we can get the money thing figured out soon!

We did apply for a financing program and got denied because we are self employed. It really sucked. We were hoping that if we could get the loan, we could at least move forward sooner rather than later. The finance company was very nice and tried to help but even DH's stellar credit and our home and business ownership doesn't negate the fact that proving our income as owners is difficult. C'est la vie. Hopefully we can raise enough with our fundraising!

Day 1 - Fundraising

Day 1 of fundraising for IVF netted us a total of a lot of sweet, wonderfully supportive comments and love and a whole five dollars.

Truthfully, $5 is nothing to scoff at. That's $5 someone took out of their pocket and handed over to us because try want us to succeed. It is the most concrete way they can show us support and that means a lot to me. I am truthfully grateful for any donation. The person who donated it chose to remain anonymous to the world, although we know who it is from because they sent us a message, but I am sad that they want to remain anonymous because I would love to be able to thank them publicly! 

The best thing that has come out of my sharing my blog, so far, is that a friend from childhood shared her story with me and said she feels less alone in knowing my story. That's pretty amazing and wonderful and although it sucks that she has gone through hell alone, I'm happy that she knows there is someone else out there going through it too. I don't have any friends IRL, they've all lapped me and have moved on to find friends with kids or spend time with one another, so it's nice to know someone IRL who understands that. 

I am, however, disappointed with myself because I feel like a failure for only raising $5. Was I not self deprecating enough? Should I have spammed Facebook? Emailed my blog and campaign to my entire address book? I keep telling myself that I am not a failure, that it's has only been one day since I began my fundraiser but still, I can't help feel like I fail at everything right now. And I'm scared. Scared that we are losing time by my going on BCPs that might be all for naught if we can't raise the money for IVF. I'm scared that we will fail before we even get the chance to try. 

Straight to IVF

Well, we have decided to forgo IUI#4 the repeat, after all. My insurance company is being weird and didn't give approval for the repeat IUI. Instead, my RE wants me to start BCPs in preparation for stimming for IVF in August.

I am kinda trippin out. They called in the BCPs and said I will get a call from my new coordinator (sad face because I love my current nurse) for IVF, next week and we will find out if we need to redo any blood tests or anything, at that time. Obviously, I need to get poppin' on this fundraising thing. Sooooo, I am going to go with Cici and Packer's recommendations and call my new blog, It Takes a Village: The Quest for Baby L and share it on facebook tonight or tomorrow.

For fundraising I am going to use DepoitAGift.com. They are reputable and their rates are reasonable and they have the fastest cash out time. I considered PayPal and GiveForward.com but PayPal deposits into our account on a schedule and doesn't allow for a way to keep a running total of how much have been raised and GiveForward's rates are a little higher.

I am a tad bit disappointed that we can't do IUI#4, the repeat, but overall I will be happy if we can move on to IVF.

Arg! I've used up all my creativity!

Well, I have now confessed my deepest secret to: My parents, my sisters and my Aunt. Everyone who needs to know now knows. One sister responded via text and the other texted and called. Both are being very supportive.

My newest dilemma (because I always seem to have one) is trying to find a good name for my new, public blog. I used up all my creativity in naming this one and I LOVE the name, but obviously cannot use it twice! Everything I have come up with just sounds too common or not very "us."

I've thought of:

It Takes a Village: Our Quest for IVF

Dreaming of a Family

One Day Closer, Our Infertile Journey

Infertility Wasn't Part of The Plan

The Story of Us: Striving for IVF


But I just don't really LOVE any of them! I just can't think of anything clever.

Nerves

I've kinda stalled on the trying to fund our IVF front, for one reason: I am so nervous about telling my sisters!
My mom was so supportive and really kind about the whole thing but my sisters? I am just not sure how they will respond. My biggest concern with them is that they will be upset and hurt that I didn't tell them sooner.

My mom suggested that I just email them both, so no one is getting more or less info than the other, in case I accidentally omit something during conversation. I know that one of my sisters hates getting news via email, but I just couldn't get up the nerve to call her this weekend. I picked up the phone three or four times and just couldn't do it.

DH also says I should just email them to avoid the drama and three hour long conversations that would ensue but I haven't been able to pull the trigger! I've been at this alone for so long, it feels weird to think of actually being open about it.

I am oddly calm about, not only having our cycle cancelled, but about moving onto IVF in general. I think it's definitely a case of the more you know the less you worry. If I didn't know of the experience of the gals on TB and IDOB, I think I would definitely be more scared but it feels like the right thing to do. I am actually more comfortable with the idea of IVF than I was with IUIs. I never thought I would feel this way.

Perhaps it's my mind recognizing what my body already knows; IVF is our only positive option. It probably has been the whole time and deep down, I've always known it.