It's Friday!

This week has been out of control bad! AF came, the RE's receptionist screwed up again, we had a baby wasp and momma wasp invasion in our office and a leak that developed in the middle of the night during huge hail storms, right over my laptop, which is now ruined. So needless to say, I am extremely happy it is Friday!

Sometimes, when I a feeling down, I look at all the puppy pictures and videos I have from our Summer 2013 litter, just to cheer myself up. So, I thought I would share a video for anyone who might need a little pick-me-up. Puppies always make me smile, I hope they make you smile too!

We're ok. We're fine.

Together, my husband and I are a two. Not, you and me + baby = three. But you know what? That's okay.

I am often surprised by how much AF showing up can bring me to my knees. And am just as surprised by how powerful my husband and I are together and what we can make it through. Together. Even when there are only the two of us.

Standing in the kitchen this morning, with my husband's loving arms wrapped around me, tears streaming down my face, I was suddenly struck by the lyrics to The Indigo Girls song, "Power of Two" specifically the chorus:

"So, we're ok.
We're fine.
Baby I'm here to stop your crying.
Chase all the ghosts, from your head.
I'm stronger than the monsters beneath your bed.
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart,
We'll look at them together and we'll take them apart.
Adding up the total of a love that's true,
Multiply life by the power of two."

And ya know what? We ARE ok. We're fine. Even if a little one never comes into our lives, we are pretty awesome just the way we are.

IUI #2: Fail

Well, I had started to write a post about how I had horrible cramps but had gotten a much darker second line this morning when I had a sharp cramping pain and gushing feeling and immediately knew: AF had arrived. 

In the bathroom, I just kept saying, "oh no, no, no, no!" But alas, one cannot stop Mother Nature. So, IUI#2 is officially a bust. 

DH just made me a salami, pepperoni and cheese platter for lunch so I am drowing my sorrows in that and really second guessing my RE's opinion that my LP didn't need any extra support with a later than normal O. 

I don't know how many more if these I can take. Treatment is such a double edged sword. When we were trying naturally, the end of a cycle was so much easier to handle. Now, I have so much hope with each cycle there's that much more of a let down when it ends.

I have been looking into IVF trials at UCSF (University of California, San Francisco) and am giving some serious consideration to applying to one or more of their trials, but it would be difficult logistically as SF is three hours away without traffic. My sister's live a half hour from SF so I could stay with one of them if need be, but then the question (after answering the question of whether or not I would be ok with the kinds of trials they do) is; am I willing to give up my privacy and come out of the IF closet for the convenience of only having a half hour drive during stimming and the chance of getting pregnant through one of these trials? (If I could even get accepted)

If I haven't reached my lifetime infertility insurance cap, which I am pretty close to, we will probably try one more IUI and then have a serious talk about trials, since we cannot afford IVF on our own. 

Shittay. :( 

Good mood, good day!

I woke up this morning in the best mood! Which is quite frankly a really good thing for my husband and staff because yesterday, I. Was. A. Shrew. Everything and everyone annoyed the hell out of me. I didn't even recognize myself, because usually when I am in a crappy mood I can at least pretend to be a decent person. Not yesterday. Nuh huh. This girl was a biatch.

Thankfully, that fowl mood has passed and I have been able to be extremely productive at work today and have had some time to read a few blogs, which makes me a happy girl. Also, my POAS addiction is being fulfilled as I am testing out my trigger and subsequent booster shots. Beta is next Thursday if AF doesn't show her wretched face. I'm interested to see what happens because normally I would start AF on Monday which will be cd 26 but since I O'd later than usual, I won't really know if I am out of the woods on Monday, if she's just a few days behind because O was late. Ah, the constant guessing and second guessing that comes with IF!

Need a fur baby fix? Check out my kitty, Ricky (brother to Lucy, btw) watching me from the tree outside my office. He's so cute!

And my little Dakota hanging out with one of the chickens, hoping I'll let her in the office with me when I go back in!

Have a wonderful Friday, everyone!

In Anticipation of...

Welcome and thank you for visiting! Since tomorrow is the first day of the IComLeavWe, I have noticed that a lot of blogger give a little intro on the first day, so I am getting a jump start on mine!

My husband and I have been TTC since January 2009. I already knew that I had endometriosis and ovarian cysts plus I had been on BCP for ten years, so we knew we were in for a wait to actually get pregnant. After a year, I started to get a little anxious and talked to my (then very crappy) PCP and she told us that due to my prior BC use and Endo, hoping to get KU after a year was optimistic. I believed her because I didn't want to be broken and need help to do what women are made to do: Make Tiny Humans. 

After two years, we changed insurance companies and changed doctors. My new PCP taught me all about temping and CM and wanted me to give it a shot for a month or two and then come back and see him to get a referral to an RE. Life got in the way (LOTS of crazy drama with my DH’s family) and long story short, we didn’t actually get that referral until 2013. Once we went to an RE we found out DH was great and I had a confirmed DX for PCOS and endometriosis. We have been trying with medication and first TI then moved on to IUI’s since July 2013. I had a CP in December on a natural cycle and am now in my TWW (8dpiui) from IUI#2. I take Femara and Pregnyl for trigger and boosters for LP support.

While I fail at making tiny humans, I am great at a lot of other things! DH and I live on a 24 acre horse and goat ranch in the Foothills of the Sierra Nevada’s in Northern California. We have a ton of dogs, cats and chickens in addition to our goats and horses and we own our own wholesale decorative glass business and work from home. We are expecting at least two baby goats in about a month and will have a litter of puppies this summer (at least something around here can get knocked up)! 

Four of Five Fur Babies

Fuz, Dakota, Pink and Goof

EndoMarch

Ya know, it's funny to have a disease and not really know all that much about it? There's something wrong with that, am I right? I mean, I have endometriosis, I was diagnosed at 17 and it was explained to me what it was and that it cannot be cured but that's about it. I remember thinking, at the time, that there would probably be a cure for it in a few years or at the very least by the time I was ready to have babies. But guess what? No cure. Not yet. In fact, there really isn't much new information and hasn't been for the past 17 years since my diagnosis. Hence my plugging EndoMarch.

EndoMarch's goal is to help "...end the silence about endometriosis, so millions of women and girls can receive the proper diagnosis, care and hopefully a cure." (Source)

When does it happen? March 13, 2014 all over the world!

Want more info? Click Here You can get involved too! Even if you can't make it to an actual march, link EndoMarch's webpage on your facebook, twitter or blog. The idea is to get it out there and get people to pay attention.

Pineapple Core for Implantation

UGH! Let me tell you, this girl is not a fan of pineapple core! Nawt good. It is chewy, woody and only remotely tastes like pineapple but yes, I ate it anyway. Actually after two days of watching me suffer through eating it, DH made me a pineapple core, greek yogurt and banana shake that made the stuff bearable! 

Why am I eating pineapple core? Pineapple core contains Bromelain which can act as an anti-inflammatory, blood thinner and anti-coagulant. Why is that good and what does it do? While not a science expert, I will try to put it the way I understand it; simply. Bromelain is thought to help with implantation by increasing blood flow to the uterus and helps with the immune system shift needed to occur during implantation.

Here's the caveat. You can't eat too much for too long. From all the research I have done, it looks like it is the best to start the day after O and continue for five days (regardless of your treatment protocol although always ask your RE before taking anything), before implantation occurs. If you eat it prior to O-ing, it can change your PH. The highest concentration of Bromelain is in the core of the Pineapple which is why I have suffered through endless minutes of chewing tiny pieces of this woody part of the fruit. I bought a whole pineapple, cut out the core and gave the meat (or fruit) to my MIL because DH is allergic. I cut the core into five pieces and ate them over the course of five days. If want to try it, make sure you eat it on an empty stomach. Otherwise it doesn't get absorbed as well and all it really does is help with digestion. Not a bad thing but not what we're trying to do here.

Can you take Bromelain pills instead? Of course! Could I find them in time? No. And pineapples were on sale!

Update on my cycle: I am 5 dpiui and just waiting (and eating my pineapple core, of course). I had promised myself that I wouldn't POAS early and even used up all my wondfos last cycle so I wouldn't be tempted but what did I do this morning? Ordered more wondfos. Yup, I need POAS-anonymous! 

IUI #2

Phew! That sucked! I am SO happy IUI #2 is over. It went well, as far as the spermination and DH's numbers were awesome (104 mil with 90% motility) but my RE couldn't get the catheter in and it took a good ten minutes of poking and prodding to get that thing up there. He finally broke out the OB u/s wand so he could see what he was doing but at that point I was in excruciating pain! I was already having a lot of ovary sensitivity and pain, beginning prior to my monitoring u/s so that did not help matters at all. I spent the whole day, after my IUI, on the couch with a heating pad and had to endure stupid comments from DH about his super sperm. But today I am feeling much better, thankfully, although I am a bit crampy.

I have been doing a lot of research about multiple follicles and ovulation timing, because I swear I O'd on my right side on Tuesday night and on my left side yesterday afternoon (I had a follie on each side) and low and behold, that CAN happen! So, our IUI timing seems like it was pretty good, at least for that second follie. And DH and I BD'd Sunday night too so there's that! I was a little worried because my CM was all over the place, watery on Tuesday, then creamy, then watery Wednesday morning, then creamy last night but I think it is just because of the two follies releasing at different times and it is making my body all, WTF?

DH is very excited about this IUI. Which is actually making things a little harder on me. I feel a lot of pressure that I haven't felt in the past. For a long time, he was just kind of oblivious and while I would have liked a little more support, I knew that in his own time he would come around and be more involved. That's just how he is. He needs more time to process things in his mind before he is ok with talking about it. Now, he's opening up a lot and has even says cute things like, "Picture those swimmers making the way to your eggs" or "Think positive swimming thoughts, visualization can help, ya know?" while giving me little hugs and kisses. It is sweet, but scary. I have developed a thick skin. I have prepared myself for disappointment and when it hits, I am prepared. But he hasn't done that yet. He has finally moved into the excited stage and has yet to deal with the fall. I really don't want him to have to deal with it. I pray he won't have to.

So now, we wait. And hope. And pray. And dream...

IComLeavWe

Since September I have been reading all the blogs on the IComLeavWe list and have really been wanting to participate in this awesome online event, but always seem to forget to add myself to the list until it is too late! This month, I set a reminder on my phone and have decided to officially participate!

For those who don't know, IComLeavWe is International Comment Leaving Week. It takes place every month and a group of bloggers all join in to read each others' blogs and make an effort to comment on one another's blogs to offer support, encouragement and acknowledgement. I love this idea and have gotten into the swing of making sure that the rest of the month, not just during IComLeavWe, I comment on at least one blog a week (I set the bar low for myself). I have found that it is really nice to be a part of such a wonderful community and feel like it has helped me feel much less alone (since we are in the IF closet).

Monitoring Appointment

I have two follies! One on each side at 17 and 20 and I couldn't be happier. I lost all hope for this cycle and was feeling pretty down in the dumps. On my two hour drive to the clinic this morning, I considered just turning around and climbing back in bed, but instead, it's on like donkey kong, Jack! IUI #2 is scheduled for Wednesday morning. Woo hoo!

Not a lot of words...

I can't seem to find my words these days and it's incredibly frustrating. Every time I try to speak (or type) I dissolve into tears. I don't know if it is due to meds or just IF in general, I can't seem to talk about my treatment or anything related to my cycle without loosing it.

This cycle has just plain sucked from the get go. My baseline wasn't until day 5 due to the fact that my RE's office doesn't do baselines on the weekends. Thanks to a little push from some of my IDOB girls, I wouldn't take "no" for an answer regarding starting my meds on cd3 even though my u/s wasn't until cd 5 but was disheartened to find, on cd 5, that I had nothing really measurable and no lead follie. In the past I have had 8's and 9's on cd 3, so what the hell are my follies doing?

The RE wants me back next Monday for a rescan and said he'd like to see how I look then and if there are follies, we can go ahead with an IUI. BUT, there's a BUT. My RE said he is worried about my age and my follies and their tendency to mature too quickly (and in some cases overmature). While he is ok with trying another IUI, he isn't super confident about it and thinks that IVF is our best bet. Truthfully, he believes it is our only bet. (cue tears) It is not a possibility for us. Like, at all. We just can't swing it. My DH doesn't have a job because he has put his career as an Environmental Engineer on hold to blow glass for the family business. So, there we have it. We'll try this IUI if there are some mature follies there on Monday but hopes aren't high. Where do we go from there? I haven't the slightest clue.